


So get this

by Waywardimpala67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M, Mostly Fluff, Romance, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Violence, slight underage crush but nothing happens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-04-04 16:28:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 30,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4144653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Waywardimpala67/pseuds/Waywardimpala67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Character is seventeen when her family is killed by vampires. Bobby saves her, and after a while she ends up as his research assistant learning everything she can about supernatural beings in order to protect herself. Then she meets Sam Winchester.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

You woke up disorientated. Your arms were killing you; the feeling of being stretched for far too long was weighing on them. Faintly you heard a clink, clink, clink that was slowly, but surely getting louder. Muffled groans escaped your mouth before you had any intention of making them. The clinking sound escalated to an ear splitting level and groggily you opened your eyes. Your eyesight was a little fuzzy for a while, and then the fuzzy colors made way to shapes, that made way to crystal clear images. A man was above you or… not above you no, why would you say above you? He was taller than you, that was it. He wasn’t looking at you though; his gaze was fixated on your arms. That was when you realized the clinking sound was made from him; he was trying to unshackle you. Pain began to radiate down your arms. Your wrists were rubbed raw and bleeding from being locked up. 

“Please,” you whimpered. 

You weren’t really sure of what you were pleading for. You just knew that you want to go to home, and be safe with your family. 

“Hold on, the sons of bitches don’t have keys lying around and I’ve almost got it off,” a gruff voice told you.

You looked up to your… savior? God, you hoped so. He was just a middle aged man with a ball cap and a beard, but you were hoping against hope that he was able to take you away from this place, wherever this place was. You hadn’t realized until he neared you, but you were crying. You heard a piercing sound, and suddenly your arms were freed, and you crumpled to your feet. 

“Come on now,” the gruff voiced man told you, “we gotta get you outta here.”

“Home,” you sobbed, “m-my family.”

You felt him tense for a moment, but he wrapped one of your arms around his shoulder. It brought back the stretched feeling in your arms, but then you were moving. He brought you out to a battered looking pick-up truck and helped you sit in the passenger seat. 

“Listen, there’s something I have to take care of in there okay? Can I leave you here for just a moment?”

You whimpered and cried, and shook your head against the head rest of the passenger seat. You didn’t want him to go; you didn’t want to get taken again. 

“Now listen, I gotta do this, I’ll be back ok, I’m gonna lock you in so no one can get you.”

Before you had a chance to say anything he closed the door and locked the truck. You watched him walk away back into the old abandoned house. You tried to remember coming to this place, or anything before you woke up. But the more you thought about it the more your head throbbed. You considered it a moot subject for now. You were engulfed with the knowledge that you weren’t in that house anymore, and besides the desperate need to go home and see your family was all you could think about. 

That man’s one moment turned out to be a really long time. Long enough for your tears to dry and a catatonic stillness takes its place. You looked over the inside of the pick-up and noticed that it had a charm lying across the dashboard, and a picture peeking out from the drivers’ mirror visor. You reached out to look at the picture and saw that it was a photo of the bearded man with two younger guys. 

‘Bobby Singer,’ your brain reminded you, ‘he’s the town drunk.’

You noticed the two other guys in the photo, but you didn’t remember ever seeing them. Their faces were a little blurry in your mind since you really weren’t paying attention. You placed the photo back where it and curled up into a ball. You breathed heavily for a moment. Pain radiated through your body and you knew for sure that you were bleeding. You tried to focus on your breathing and tried to think of other things. You passed out before Bobby came back, and for the remaining drive home. Home being a relative term as Bobby just brought you back to his house. He woke you as much as he could to ask you where you lived, but you just sat there, mute.   
You entered his house and were immediately brought to his couch. You laid there and you slept.  
~  
First you were bothered by the pain. Then you were bothered by the man’s scratchy couch. Soon enough blackness engulfed you again. Colors swirled in your vision, and you smelt the gut wrenching aroma of death and rust. That was when you realized you were back at the abandoned house. 

‘No,’ you thought, ‘that can’t be.’

You heard laughter and music, but your arms were stretched painfully above you. You felt a burning sensation on your right arm and your left rib. You tried to scream, but your throat was torn from screaming already. You knew with an absolute certainty that no one was going to hear you scream. Still you begged, not knowing what else to do. 

“No,” you groaned out, “Please, stop.” 

You saw pale men, with sharp smiles and red running down their lips.   
“Oh sweetheart, we aren’t done with you yet.”

You screamed. You screamed even though your throat was torn. You screamed from the pain, from the horror, from the sickness you felt as hands trailed your body. You screamed until you felt hands on your shoulders, shaking you. Why would they be shaking you? 

Then you woke up. 

You looked around the room sharply, and noted that you were in an unfamiliar room once again. Bobby was the one shaking you, but once your eyes opened he stopped. 

“It was just a nightmare,” he told you calmly.

You were breathing heavy, but you clung to him. 

“What… what’s happening?” You asked, terrified of the answer. 

He took a deep breath and told you a story of how you and your family were the victims of a terrible crime. That people had taken you from your house and held you captive. 

“But they’re okay right? My family….” You trailed off when you saw the look in the look in his eyes, that sad, pitying look. 

You began to rock back and forth, muttering nonsensical things, until Bobby placed a warm hand on your shoulder. 

“Can you tell me where you live, I can bring you home,” he said solemnly.   
~

It had been two weeks since the incident. You talked to the police, Bobby had told you that he had taken care of everything and that the less the cops knew the better. You told him you didn’t remember much anyway, except for teeth. You remembered the teeth. You tried to live your life normally, but the fear wouldn’t leave you. The authorities asked if you had any family members to stay with, but you had none whatsoever. It was always just you and your parents. Since you were seventeen and had no family you were considered a ward of the state until you turned eighteen. 

For the first couple of days you spent the hours lying in your parent’s bed. Memories plagued your every thought. You remembered your mother, the smell of hot hairspray and lotion engulfing you in every one of her hugs. You remembered the rumble of your father’s laughter and how he would puff up with pride every time you beat him at chess. 

You had nightmare after nightmare, of being chained up, of hysterical laughter and of course the teeth. They weren’t like normal teeth, more like knives. You checked your body where you burned in your dreams and sure enough there were marks there. After a month you decided to pay Bobby a visit. You cooked a pie; even if he couldn’t or wouldn’t give you answers he deserved a thank you. 

You drove your car out to where you were told Singer Auto was at. You looked around and noted all the scrap cars and a sense of foreboding swallowed you, but you preserved. 

You knocked on his door and waited nervously. It was a moment before he answered. When he saw you he looked at you in a confused manner. 

“Um hello?” he asked.

“Uh yes. Hi. I’m not sure if you remember me-“

“I remember you.”

“Of course,” you rushed as you felt both nervous and foolish. 

“Uh, I made a pie,” you blurted out. He looked at you strangely.

“For you,” you elaborated, “as a thank you for saving me.”

He eyed you in an unamused fashion.

“Thank you,” he said suspiciously.

After a moment of silence you proceeded awkwardly.

“I was…. I was hoping you would invite me in. I, um… I have some questions for you.” 

He huffed out a sigh, and let the door open while he walked back into the house. You assumed this was him telling you it was okay to enter. You walked after him and set the pie on the kitchen counter. Everything in the house seemed old and could’ve used a bit of cleaning. You remember your mother telling you with a wrinkled nose that he was the town drunk. 

‘No matter his vice he saved my life,’ you thought to yourself. 

He was sat in what you assumed was his office since every wall was covered in books. You sat in the chair in front of the desk facing him. 

“I have some-“

“It would do you well to just forget everything that happened and try to move on with your life,” he said.

You stared at him incredulously. Suddenly instead of feeling empty, of feeling hallow, you felt fire lick at your insides. 

“Forget? How can you sit there and tell me to forget everything? My family is dead. I have nightmares about teeth and searing pain every time I sleep. I have, I don’t know, bite marks all over me. How can I possibly forget?” you asked, as your voice grew a little louder the longer you spoke. 

“Please,” you begged. “I need to know what happened.”

Bobby sighed and brought out a fifth of whiskey. He poured some into a glass and downed the whole thing. 

That was day he told you vampires existed. Not only did they exist, but every monster you ever heard about and many that you haven’t existed. He gave you a detailed list of ways to protect yourself. He told you of symbols to paint around your place, symbols for you to wear, and what protected you from certain monsters.   
It was nightfall before you yawned and he gently suggested that it was time for you to go home and go to bed. You nodded, not bothering to tell him that you weren’t going home; that the constant reminder of your parent’s memories lived there so you couldn’t. You slept in your car that night.  
~

You ended up sleeping in your car every night after that. And after you slept you would spend every day at Bobby’s house. At first you were sure he was annoyed that you kept coming by. But after a few weeks, maybe he felt bad for you, maybe he just wanted the company, but his gaze went from stern or annoyed to warmth. You still went to school every day, but it seemed pointless. Every word anyone said sounded like gibberish. You kept your grades up, remnants of memories of your parents kept you from slipping, but you mostly kept to yourself.

Bobby may have been okay with your arrangement, but not everyone was so keen to accept a teenage girl spending all her time with an older man. You heard the town gossip, most looked at you with sad expressions, telling each other that no wonder you were scared, you saw your parents hacked up in front of you. Some people looked at you in disgust as though you and Bobby were having an illicit affair. You noticed that no matter what people thought, everyone was under the impression that Bobby was exploiting you. 

The police actually stopped you once on your way to his house and questioned you, they put heavy emphasis on the question of whether or not he was mistreating or forcing you to do anything. You tried to set the record straight, but they looked unconvinced. You noticed that Bobby continued to let you come by, and you wondered if maybe Bobby had always had rumors surrounding him since his wife died, so maybe he was used to it. In any case you weren’t going to ask him and bring up bad memories. Bobby respected your past by not asking you about it, so you would respect his. 

After a few months you had made your way through three quarters of Bobby’s library, thanks to coffee and a few energy drinks, your journal was practically full and soon you would need to buy another one. You immersed yourself in the world of the supernatural, and knew that the next time something went bump in the night you would be there to catch it. You started running and doing strength training and two or three times a week, Bobby brought you outside and taught you how to shoot. Once you were proficient at it you went by yourself. Days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. You’d wake up at 5 am and go running and train yourself. Then you’d spend the day in school, spend an hour or two in the library finishing your homework, then drive to Bobby’s and be there by six. You’d straighten up the house, fix you and him something up for dinner and by the time eight rolled around you were elbow deep in lore.

On the days he wasn’t there, you took a book from his library and read in your car until you fell asleep.   
Bobby’s house made you feel safe. You wished you could stay, but you were always too scared to ask him. Then one night that problem was taken care of for you. It was storming outside; winds were picking up fiercely and the second you got to Bobby’s house you were confronted by him.

“No, no, not today kiddo,” he said. 

“And why not?” you asked as you pursed your lips. 

“You see that storm coming? You gotta get home and be safe.”

You avoided his eyes. You still hadn’t told him about your living situation. You let him believe that you still had a home to go to. But you were a terrible liar and once he confronted you he saw that something was wrong.

“What, what is it?”

You didn’t want to tell him, you didn’t want to worry him. 

“Tell me what’s going on kiddo.”

“I… I can’t go home.”

“Why the hell not?

”I… I don’t live there anymore.”

His brows furrowed, “where the hell have you been staying?”

You bit the inside of your cheek and glanced at your car. He followed your gaze, then a sternness came over his face.

“Why?”

“Well,” you dug your fingernails into your palm, “the lease was up and… that’s where they…. My parents…. I can’t just…” you didn’t know what to say.

Bobby was silent for a minute.

“Balls,” he said as he looked agitated. 

You looked up at him and didn’t know what he was feeling. It could’ve been irritation, it could’ve been anger. He walked away from you and went upstairs. Your throat started to burn, and you bit the inside of your cheek again and tried not to cry. This was it. This was the moment Bobby would tell you to leave and never come back. You breathed through your nose heavily for a few moments, and then went to put your shoes back on. You heard Bobby come down the steps, but you couldn’t face him.

“And just where in the hell do you think you’re going?”

“Um… away?” 

He came up to you and crossed his arms. He looked at the ceiling, then the wall.

“Look I got more than enough rooms upstairs. I… I fixed one up if you wanna, ya know… stay here.”

You looked at him with big confused eyes.

“I’ve grown use to you kiddo. And if being here all the time is what makes…. Well if it’s what you want… I mean I don’t want you to be homeless...” he trailed off.

Your hands were shaking. You didn’t know what to do. You stepped forward and hugged him scrunching your hands on his shoulder blades. Maybe he could tell how desperately you wanted to stay with him, you thanked him shakily, and hoped he understood how much this meant to you. He patted you on the back awkwardly and pushed your shoulders away.

“Alright, alright enough with the sappy moment. Until this storm actually picks up we should be researching, I got wind of a case in Missouri and I need some fresh eyes. We can pick up your stuff later.”

You nodded in agreement and followed him into the office.   
~

It was a regular Saturday night. You were sprawled on Bobby’s floor knee deep in lore. He kept looking at you funnily, but you knew that if he needed to say something to you, he would in his own time.

“You know,” Bobby began, “don’t think I don’t know what tonight is.”

You looked up from your book, etching a drawing of a Djinn in a page of your “hunter’s journal.” Even though Bobby would never take you on a hunt, that’s what you called your journal. 

“What’s today?” you asked as you knew Bobby wasn’t one for anniversaries or anything. 

“Tonight’s prom ain’t it?” He asked, as he looked a little uncomfortable.

“Really Bobby?” you said incredulously, a small laugh escaped you.

“Shut up ya idjit, I saw signs for it on the way for a supply run is all.”

You saw his cheeks redden. That old man was grumpy and crotchety, but he was such softie. 

“I really don’t want to go, I’d much rather be here, with you and these books,” you said, as you finished your etching. 

He huffed and handed you a drink, your brow furrowed. One time you had asked Bobby for a drink and he said you were underage. 

“It aint the prom, but have a drink anyway,” he said rubbing the back of his neck. 

You smiled, silently toasted him, and sipped the drink. Once it hit the back of your throat you made a face and a gagging sound and grabbed the sprite from your bag. He laughed and went back to his desk.


	2. Chapter 2

You drove back to Bobby’s after your last day of high school. You felt exhilarated. Now you could spend all day researching with Bobby. Of course you were going to do a few online courses at the local community college, your memory of your parents always asking you what college you were going to go to would make you feel remiss if you didn’t pursue higher learning. However you would worry about that later, because tonight was a night to celebrate. Maybe you’d make Bobby that roast you were saving and a pie. You nodded and decided that’s what you would do. Bobby wasn’t home, when you got there but he left a note saying he was meeting a few friends at the bar and that he would be home later. You shrugged and got to work making dinner and dessert.

Once everything was made and the pie was cooling off you went to your desk, a small one that faced the doorway that Bobby made for you as a surprise and said full of gruff:

“Well I’m tired of seein’ you on my floor was all.” 

You fondly remembered the embarrassed look on his face, until you told him you loved it. You were sat there for about twenty minutes when you heard the door slam open.

“Dinner’s ready to eat and dessert is cooling off. Bobby if you touch that pie before it’s done cooling I’ll have your hands.” You said not looking up from the book, but you raised your pencil in a fake threat.

“Pie? A woman after my own heart,” a distinctly younger voice than Bobby’s said.

You looked up quickly and noted that a young man was standing there smiling at you. You slowly got up from your chair and put your hand on your gun that you hid in the waist band of your jeans. You were breathing heavily and your hands started shaking. He looked handsome, big green eyes, plush lips and a sharp jawline. Attractive though he may have been you had no idea who he was. He might’ve been a monster. That is until you saw Bobby walk in, “I told you to wait ya damn idjit, she don’t know you.”

You looked to Bobby for answers, he would never steer you wrong. 

“This is Dean and his brother Sam is outside. They’re good hunting friends of mine, I’ve known em' since they were kids. They’re good people.”

You breathed a little easier and gave Dean a quick smile and hello.

“So, what’s this I hear about a pie? What kind is it? Did you make it yourself?”

“Well-“you began, but were cut off, by another voice.

“I’m not bringing all the bags in Dean, if you wanna be lazy all your crap is staying in the car.”

“But Sam, there’s pie.”

Sam rolled his eyes at Dean, then noticed you. 

“Oh you must be _______ I’m Sam.”

You shakily nodded your head and shook his hand. Sure, Dean was attractive, but holy mother of Jesus was this man hot. Long brown hair, large hazel eyes and everything about him was so… big. You swallowed a little averted your gaze as to not seem like the ogling school girl that you were. There was silence for a moment and then Dean spoke again.

“So about this pie?”

You rolled your eyes good naturedly, “First dinner.”

Dean smiled even more, “Dinner too what’s the occasion?”

“It’s my last day of high school,” you smiled and turned to look at Bobby as you sought his approval. 

He smiled, came over to you and put his hands on your shoulders, 

“I’m proud of you kiddo, why don’t you go in the kitchen and get yourself some grub, there’s some stuff me and the boys have to talk about.” 

You cocked your head at him, “Boys club? No fair,” you said playfully.

He smiled at you, “go on now.”

You went to the kitchen and closed the door.

Once Bobby saw that the door was closed all the way he turned to the boys, mostly to Dean.

“Whatever ideas you may be having about her I’m gonna need you to forget about them.”

“Bobby come on, would I—“

“She’s seventeen.” Bobby told them. 

Dean’s brows raised, “Well I mean obviously if she’s jailbait—“

“She aint jailbait, she’s a good girl and your gonna treat her nice got it?”

“Of course Bobby, “Sam cut in, “we’ll treat her as one of our own, you know that.”

“It aint you I’m worried about Sam,” he said staring at Dean.

“Ugh seriously? Its fine, all I want is some pie.”

“Good,” bobby finished. 

You heard everything while making four plates. It was as if they thought you couldn’t hear the conversation. Well, you heard every word the walls in this house were ridiculously thin after all.   
~  
You ate dinner at your desk while the boys ate off their laps and bobby ate at his desk. You tried to keep your focus on your reading, but your gaze kept lingering to Sam. You noticed how his eyes never drifted, he was obviously very studious. You noticed how he was lick his lips and every few moments he would shift and grimace, like he knew he got the most uncomfortable chair in the whole house, which he did. After a while you had to snap yourself out of it, ‘as if he’d ever be interested,’ you thought yourself. 

Soon the boys went to bed, and shortly after Bobby followed them. 

“I want you to get some sleep tonight okay?” he instructed you. 

“Yeah, yeah Bobby I got it,” you said as you waved him off.

You had fallen into the habit of falling asleep at your desk, and you knew that Bobby disapproved. However as you got deeper and deeper into the current book you were researching that’s exactly what happened. 

Flashes of red, and fangs still attacked your dreams, but now you slept through it, with minute twitches and slight shaking. Suddenly you felt a warm hand rub your back. You opened your eyes groggily. 

“Hmmm?” you asked sleepily.

“You fell asleep at your desk, I think it’s time you go to bed now,” Sam told you.

“mmmkay,” you said, and then yawned.   
~

Sam smiled after her as she retreated to her room. She was a cute little girl, with an obvious crush on him, if her blushes and constant staring was anything to go by. He smiled fondly and shook his head. 

‘Wonder how long that’ll last,’ he thought.

He looked down to your desk and noticed a lot of papers, a journal was left open. 

‘Must be hers,’ he thought as he skimmed through the pages. 

He just wanted to see what you were up to; he thought you seemed a little young to be getting into hunting. ‘Compared to who?” he thought bitterly. You had three journals in total and as Sam read through some of the entries he was pleasantly surprised at your thoroughness and attention to detail. After a few moments his face burned and he put the book down. This was your personal property and he was not the kind of man to invade that. 

Soon Bobby came down and walked directly into the office, seemingly on a mission until he saw Sam at your desk.

“Huh, usually she falls asleep at her desk.”

“She did, I just woke her and told her to go to bed.”

Bobby smiled, but shook his head. “That girl… she’s dedicated I’ll give her that.”

“Isn’t she… a little young to be getting into this kind of life?” Sam said, trying to wheedle information out of Bobby. 

“That’s rich coming from you Sam.”

Sam nodded and was about to speak, but Bobby continued. 

“That girl has her heart set on it boy, she’s smart, capable, and stubborn. I told her as long as she doesn’t go on hunts she can help me here. She’s dead useful and I swear pretty soon I’m gonna be asking her questions.” He said with a chuckle.

“She doesn’t go on any hunts?” Sam asked.

Bobby shook his head. 

“She doesn’t want to?”

“I absolutely forbid it.”

Sam gave him a questioning look and Bobby sighed.

“It’s not that she doesn’t want to and it’s not for her lack of trying but… that girl has no training and absolutely no reflexes,” He told Sam with a chuckle, “No she’s best at holding down the fort.” 

Dean came clamoring down the stairs and looked around the office. 

“Where’s the squirt?” he asked.

“She went to bed,” bobby answered.

“No breakfast?” Dean asked mournfully.

“She ain’t a maid boy, go cook your own breakfast,” Bobby quipped. 

Dean rolled his eyes and moved to the kitchen, “I’ma have me some breakfast pie.”  
~

One night later on in the week Sam, Dean and Bobby went to the bar. Apparently it was Sam’s birthday. You waved them off and soon went to bed. Since you were seventeen there’s no way Bobby would let you go, even though you told him “ya know you could totally make me a fake ID.”

“This ain’t a flophouse,” he said smiling at you, “besides in this small town, everyone knows your seventeen you wouldn’t be foolin anyone.”

Later on that night you wake up to a stumbling sound downstairs and quiet muffled laughter. You went downstairs to investigate, just to make sure that no one broke anything. You saw Sam in the office, stumble a bit and then sit in Bobby’s chair and snort. You leaned against the doorway and smiled at him. At first he seemed to be in his own little world, and then he noticed you. 

“Hey beautiful,” he slurred at you. 

You blushed, but persevered. 

“Sam, what are you doing up, everyone else is in bed.”

He laughed, and then shushed you, as if you were the one making the noise. 

“Come on, you gotta go to your room,” you said.

“Fineee,” he sighed. He stumbled his way up the stairs, and went into the spare bedroom. 

“Hey, there’s no blankets,” he exclaimed.

You shook your head, and gave him a “one minute” signal. You grabbed some extra blankets out of the hall closet and put the sheets and comforter on the bed for him while he was in the bathroom. He came out of the bathroom once you were done. You turned around and saw him. He had taken his clothes off and was in nothing, but his boxer briefs. You could see his muscles and tried not to look, but you were sure that he caught you staring at him. You swallowed hard, trying to calm yourself.

“W-well here, your bed is done, um, I’m just gonna go.”

You went to leave his room but felt a warm hand grab onto your forearm.

“Wait-wait-wait,” he said quickly, leaning on the threshold. 

You turned around to face him. He smiled lopsidedly at you. 

“What? No goodnight kiss beautiful? I mean it is my birthday” he asked you cheekily.

Your face heated. You didn’t know what to do. You desperately wanted to, but he was drunk. You licked your lips. He chuckled and went to turn around when you put one of your hands on his shoulder. God he felt strong. You inched closer and stood on your tip toes. Your lips brushed his cheek then you stood there and looked in his eyes. You both stood there, and breathed eachother’s air for a moment. His eyes searched yours, then found your lips. He stared at them for a moment, then he grabbed your hips and brought you closer to him. You could feel his body heat and the strength of his body as he pressed himself against you. Then his eyes held a sudden clarity that was surprising.

“Your seventeen,” he blurted out. 

Your head hung. Of course this would happen. You patted his shoulder. 

“Goodnight Sam.”

He nodded to you, with big eyes, and stumbled to his bed. 

~Sam’s POV ~

‘Come on,’ his brain thought, ‘one foot in front of the other, it’s not fucking rocket science.’ After that thought is when he stubbed his toe on the side of Bobby’s desk. He fell   
into Bobby’s chair and snorted at himself. He stared at his traitorous feet for another moment, then he looked up and saw her. That sweet little girl with the crush on him.

‘She doesn’t look so little to me,’ his brain supplied. 

Usually he could keep those thoughts at bay, but in his inebriated state he quickly brushed those negative thoughts away. She was really pretty and besides there was nothing wrong with just thinking about it right?

“Hey Beautiful,” he slurred, ‘shit,’ he thought, ‘that’s more than thinking about it.’

He thought he sounded like an asshole, but she blushed. 

“Sam what are you doing up? Everyone is in bed.”

He laughed, she was calling him out. That was cute. He liked her. She really was beautiful, kissable lips, wavy hair, full hips and eyes that sparkled when she was looked at him. Her beauty made him happy and he laughed more, until he realized how loud he was being and he shushed himself, which he thought was a very effective method. 

“Come on,” she said, “we gotta get you to your room.”

“Finnneee,” he drawled out like a petulant child. 

He made it up to the bedroom with marginal help and then he noticed the bed was bare. 

“Hey, there’s no blankets,” he said. 

Maybe he could share her bed, he thought with a dopey grin. She held up a ‘one minute,’ signal and got sheets and blankets for him. He smiled at the thought of her trying to take of him, the boy with the demon blood. 

‘If only she knew,’ he thought grimly. 

However his thoughts were cut short when she got on her hands and knees to fix the sheets. He felt himself harden, staring at her, bent over like that, so inviting, probably so warm and tight and--.

‘Shit,’ he stumbled to the bathroom and shucked his clothes to the floor. He breathed in and out a couple of times and willed his hard on away. Well at least most of it. Afterwards he went back to the room to find the bed made and she was just fixing the pillows. She turned around and he could clearly see her check him out. He smirked and wondered how long this effect would have on the poor girl. 

“W-well here, your bed is done, um, I’m just gonna go” she stuttered. 

He made her flustered, that made him smile. This was good, but then she was leaving. That wasn’t good. He grasped her forearm.

“Wait-wait-wait,” he tried to say smoothly. 

He smiled at her, she liked his smile right? Before he could even think about how bad of an idea it was the thought came out of his mouth.

“What? No goodnight kiss? I mean it is my birthday.”

He could hear sober Sam, somewhere in the deep recesses of his brain screaming at him about what a fucking idiot he was. Smooth as fucking sand paper, but drunk Sam couldn’t care less. She blushed, God she was beautiful, especially when she was embarrassed. He chuckled and went to go to bed. He didn’t want to embarrass her too much, he wasn’t that mean, but then she placed her hands on his shoulders. She had to go on her tip toes for Christ’s sake, damn she was adorable. He found her lips, they were so enticing, and he wanted to kiss her till they bruised. Then he felt her lips brush his cheek. Suddenly and ferociously, her innocence came crashing down on him and he grabbed her hips to pull her closer. He had to keep her safe, from demons, from monsters, from everything in this world. Even he knew in this moment that meant he had to protect her from himself, this wasn’t right. 

“You’re seventeen,” he blurted out. Yeah, so fucking smooth Winchester. 

She hung her head with a sad smile and wished him a good night. Yeah he was disappointed too. Once the door closed he let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding. 

That night he dreamt of soft hands and sweet kisses.


	3. Chapter 3

Sam and Dean didn’t stay for long. You lamented not being able to see Sam anymore, but you did enjoy the silence at Bobby’s. It was a comfortable silence, one that was always interrupted with Dean sighing and tapping his pencil and then Sam lecturing Dean on being an adult. You thought it was endearing, but since they were gone and it was just you and Bobby and it was nice. Plus you didn’t feel like a little girl with a crush every day. You tried to act as normally as you could around Sam, but you stuttered your words, and blushed easily around him. You saw Dean and even Bobby give you looks, Dean’s were more teasing and Bobby’s were stern. Christ you’d even seen Sam smirk and shake his head minutely around you. It was obvious that they knew. Still you preserved and then they were gone on some hunt in god knows where. 

Actually that was a good choice of words. You hated when Bobby treated you like a child, but usually when Sam and Dean came over, you were sent to your room. 

“I’m an adult now,” you would tell him. 

“You’re only seventeen, and this is really big… listen… there’s a war waging right now.”

“All the more reason to help,” you insisted. 

“Kiddo please, I’m begging you. For me, for my piece of mind, I just want you safe and out of this,”

“Am I some kind of burden? You don’t want a little girl in the way while the men work?” you said, meaner than you intended. 

“Damnit ya idjit, I love you, and I want you to stay safe, and if that means you need to stay in your room and keep to yourself than so fucking be it.” 

You sighed. “I love you too Bobby….,” you headed for the stairs, “for the record this sucks.”

He sighed relieved. “Duly noted.”

It’s not like you stopped helping. You researched deep into the night, took notes in your journal and in a separate notebook. You woke up before the boys and Bobby, made them breakfast, left your notebook of notes on Bobby’s desk and retreated back to your room. 

Usually you kept to your room only when Sam and Dean were around. Bobby would give you a look when the rumble of the impala would sound. You would roll your eyes good naturedly, grab a couple books and head to your room. However this time you didn’t leave your room, it was verging on a week that you hadn’t left your room, and you barely ate. 

It was coming closer to the year anniversary of your parents’ death.

You were slowly sleeping more, your mind no longer on research, but on the memories that kept playing round and round in your head. Your arms and legs ached even though you were doing nothing strenuous. You had no appetite, and sobbed into your pillow nearly every night. A week into this new behavior you heard someone knock at your door and heard Bobby’s gruff voice, full of hesitancy. 

“Kiddo? You okay in there?” 

You couldn’t blame Bobby for his uncertainty, he wasn’t one to coddle. You had accepted that about him, so you gripped the pillow tighter to yourself and shakily you told him to go away. You heard a huff and footsteps walking away from your door. 

Finally it was the day. That horrible day where your life changed. You loved Bobby, and you were living this new life as bravely and as happily as you could. But today you couldn’t shake the feeling that you had been robbed. You’d been robbed of your wonderful mother, and a loving father. You were facing away from the door, when you heard the hinges creak letting you know that the door was being opened. You heard footsteps walk toward your bed. 

“Bobby,” you said softly, “I love you, and if it weren’t for you I don’t know where I’d be, but right now…. I just need you to go away… I’ll be better in a bit I promise.”

You felt a presence stand near the side of the bed for a moment, you were sure he would leave. Then you felt the bed dip and the covers raised up. You moved minutely, until you saw an arm drape across you. That wasn’t Bobby’s arm. 

“Hey Beautiful,” Sam’s voice said lowly as he took you in both his arms and pulled you to him. 

“Sam please,” you said shakily,” not now, please, go away.”

He ended up holding you tighter. Something in you raged. How dare he? You turned in his grasp and pushed at his chest. You screeched at him, and tried to wriggle from his grasp, but he grabbed your shoulders and just held you to him steadfastly and patiently until you gave up with a broken sob. You ended up lying against him and crying as though you hadn’t cried out all your tears earlier. 

“Sam,” you cried, “they’re gone.”

“I know baby,” he spoke into your hair. 

You shook with how hard you were crying and admitted out loud what you had only thought about to yourself in the loneliness of night time. 

“Sometimes…. Sometimes I want to be gone too,” you whispered in his chest. 

You felt his arms tighten around you. 

“No baby, don’t think like that. Ever.” 

He kissed the top of your head and you tried to bury yourself deeper in his arms. The scent of spice and wood pines filled you. 

“My mom…. My momma… she was so strong, and so beautiful. I always wanted to be as beautiful as she was. She was smart too, I could always come to her with questions and   
she could solve all my problems within like a half hour.”

He smiled sadly at you and ran the hand that wasn’t hold you to him through your hair. 

“And my dad, he was special. He was a big guy, but he was such a softie for me. Except when we’d play chess,” you laughed sadly, “he never let me win. When he won he would, he would do a little victory dance and I would get so mad,” you laughed almost hysterically. 

He laughed quietly with you and readjusted you in his hold. His hands never left you; they spanned your waist to your things to your back. You burrowed closer to Sam and sighed deeply. 

“Thank you,” you mumbled into his chest. 

He kept running his hands up and down your back then kissed your temple. 

“Of course,” he said simply. 

You stayed in his arms for longer than you thought he’d allow you. But he never made a move to leave, he never made you feel rushed and he just stayed there listening to you telling stories of your parents. You felt safe and cared for. If you had any lingering doubts about your feelings for Sam they were obliterated by the time you spent together that day. That day with his arms around you, one of his legs in between yours, his face in your hair and the rumble of his voice surrounding you was absolutely perfect. That was the day you knew, without a trace of a doubt that you were in love with him.

You woke up after falling asleep with him to an empty bed. But you heard voices downstairs and went to join them. After you had a shower of course.   
~

After a month of researching alone in your room Bobby cornered you going up the stairs. Sam and Dean were behind him, but they were walking toward the office.

“Hey squirt, “Dean smiled tiredly and waved.

Sam just smiled warmly and walked behind dean. 

Bobby cleared his throat. He looked uncomfortable. 

“Aren’t you tired of being in your room kiddo?” 

Your eyes grew and hope soared through you.

“You’re gonna let me help you now?”

“You have been helping,”

“I know, but like really helping.”

Bobby looked away for a moment. 

“You ever think of college?”

“…What?”

“I said-,”

“I know what you said… Bobby are you… are you trying to get rid of me?”

“Damn it, you can’t be this dense, you know it’s the fucking apocalypse right?”

You nodded; you’d heard the word thrown around. 

“Listen, I know your more than capable of helping, but I need to know your safe. I know I could never… replace your family…. But kiddo your family to me… the closest thing I   
ever had to having a daughter… and I want you away from all this. Please, for me. It would help the boys too. They worry about you.”

“Bobby you’re family to me too. I couldn’t imagine life without you, that’s why this is so difficult, “you cleared your throat, “…Sam worries about me?”

Bobby gave you a sad smile and nodded. You looked past Bobby and into the office. Sam looked tired, and sad. You didn’t believe him about Sam feeling that way, but Bobby was obviously desperate. Your mind flashed to the day where Bobby saved you. You could still hear the clink, clink, clink, in your ears. You smiled up at him shyly and said, “Well, I do have college credits that can transfer so… I wouldn’t be gone that long…”

Bobby gave you a genuine smile.   
~

“Hey Squirt, heard your gonna go be a nerd,” Dean said pulling the book away from you, he looked at the book, then at you, “Well more of nerd.”

You rolled your eyes, “What’s up.” 

That’s when you saw Sam and Bobby come in the room. 

“We’d thought we’d see you off right before you go to college.”

You smiled and sat back, taking the drink the Bobby handed you. It was a nice night. Dean and Bobby told you stories of past hunts, and Dean told you a few embarrassing stories about Sam that you were going to try and remember. You weren’t use to drinking so you got drunk fairly quickly. Bobby was the first to go to bed, and then Dean went. When it was three o clock in the morning it was just you and Sam. 

“You’re unusually quiet Sam,” you slur.

“You don’t know me, how can you tell if I’m being unusually quiet.”

Your eyes grew and a saddened look came across your face.

“I didn’t mean that, I…I’m sorry I’m just…”

“trying to distance yourself from people,” you may have been drunk, but you weren’t stupid. 

Sam was unusually quiet, and he always left the room to be alone. 

“Well don’t you think that’s for the best considering?”

“Considering what?”

“Considering I’m Lucifer’s vessel. Wouldn’t it be better that he didn’t know who was important to me?”

“Wouldn’t it be better to fight him off with the help of people who love you?” 

You got up from your desk and walked over to him. You put your hands on his shoulders and sat on his lap. It was amazing, the feeling of him underneath you. You thought about this all night and since you were leaving soon you figured you had nothing to lose.

“Hey” he said worriedly, “what are you doing?”

“I’m important to you?” you ask. 

Sam was breathing heavy, and looked a little worried, but you couldn’t care, because the feeling of you straddling his lap was worth it. You couldn’t stop your hands as they moved from his shoulders to his chest. He nodded jerkily; his hands were up, as though he was being robbed. You grinded on him one, twice, three times and felt him harden beneath you. You kissed his jaw twice and whined his name in his ear.His Adams apple bobbed and slowly his hands fell to your thighs. You backed up to look in his big hazel eyes, and stared at his lips for a moment. You slowly grasped his collar.

“What’re yo—“he was cut off as you kissed him harshly. Months of denying yourself came out as you desperately kissed him. You clutched at him not wanting to let go. He kissed you back; he brought one of his hands to tangle in your hair, and pulled at the base of it a little. His body was warm and strong underneath you and you wondered how long you could have this. You whined into the kiss and grinded your hips against his. He groaned and held you tighter, his hand that wasn’t in your hair was grabbing at your thigh and waist. 

Then you heard someone slam the door to the bathroom. You and Sam immediately separated. He licked his lips and stared at you for a long moment.

“I think it’s time we go to bed,” he told you with gravel in his voice.

You nodded and made your way to your room. Totally worth it.

~ Sam’s POV ~

He was drinking again, but he wasn’t drunk. She sure was though. She swayed back and forth and had a pink tinge to her cheeks. That made him smile, it seemed like everything she did made him smile. But she was too young and leaving to go to college to have a normal life. She was going to need someone that could provide her that life and it couldn’t have been him, no matter how badly he wanted it to be him. 

Too quickly it was just the two of them. Dean must’ve done on the purpose, that dick. 

“You’re unusually quiet Sam,” she slurred. 

“You don’t know me, how can you tell if I’m being unusually quiet,” he winced at his words and saw her face crumple. 

Shit. No this wasn’t right; he couldn’t be mean to her, even if it was for her own good. 

“I didn’t mean that… I…I’m sorry I’m just…”

“trying to distance yourself from people?” she said it sluggishly, but that didn’t make her wrong. 

“Well don’t you think that’s for the best considering?”

“Considering what?”

“Considering I’m Lucifer’s vessel, wouldn’t it be better that he didn’t know who was important to me?”

“Wouldn’t it be better to fight him off with the help of people who love you?”

He rolled his eyes. He wasn’t going to defeat Lucifer with the power of love and the magic of daisies an—‘Holy shit, holy shit, she’s on my lap.’ 

“Hey,” he said worriedly, “What are you doing?” 

He kept his arms up not trusting himself to touch her; if he started he might not be able to stop.

“I’m important to you?” she asked shyly, well as shyly as one could get when straddling someone else. 

He started breathing heavily, and he nodded jerkily. ‘So long as she doesn’t move, everything will b— shit, shit ,shit, she’s moving, holy Christ.’

Having her in his lap was the perfect torture. She felt wonderful in his grasp. It felt like she belonged there. She kissed his jaw twice and she whined in his ear. That whine made him snap, his hands fell to her thighs. With his hands on her it was even worse. His hands gripped her and it gave him ideas, bad ideas that he shouldn’t have been considering. Slowly she grasped his collar. 

“What’re yo—“ he was cut off as she kissed him harshly. 

One of his hands went to tangle in her hair, ad pulled at the base a bit, and he drove his hips into hers. She whined again, fuck that fucking whine. His brain was screaming at him to let go of her, but he found himself in a trance. She was soft, but fierce. He felt her minute clench her thighs around him and he momentarily thought maybe all this was going to be too much for him. He wanted to taste her, he parted his mouth to get a taste. 

That’s when he heard someone slam the bathroom door – probably Dean warning him that Bobby was walking around upstairs or something. You both instantly separated. He licked his lips and thought about things. He thought about holding her to him, trying to keep her safe from the ongoing war. He thought of how he selfishly didn’t want her to go. He thought of getting a hotel room, and sinking into her tight wet heat. No, he wouldn’t be selfish and he wouldn’t take advantage of a drunk girl, no matter how much she said she wanted it. 

“I think it’s time we go to bed,” he said. 

He supposed he could have phrased it better, but honestly he thought he was a doing a great fucking job in letting her go in the first place. She smiled and nodded, and walked back to her room. He watched her go then made his way to his room. He saw Dean staring at him through his own doorway. Dean waggled his eyebrows and Sam rolled his eyes. He laid down and tried very hard not to, but he ended up taking himself in his hand, and thought of the soft body that he held not over a half hour ago.


	4. Chapter 4

That week you left. It would be a couple months before school started, but Bobby put the down payment on an apartment right off campus and the months before school started would give you time to find a job. Bobby, Dean and Sam met you by your car to say goodbye. Dean hugged you first.

"See ya later squirt. Go be a nerd, and don’t forget to have fun okay,” you giggled into his shoulder and playfully pushed him away. 

Sam was next. He cleared his throat and said, “Go on and make us proud, I’m sure you’ll do great.” 

He hugged you then. It was amazing, your face rested against his chest and you could hear his heartbeat. He smelled woodsy with just a hint of spice. His arms were so strong around you, and you felt like he was holding you tighter than the situation called for, but you weren’t going to complain. He let you go, you couldn’t help it when disappointment washed through you. You cleared your throat and just nodded at him.

“Thank you,” you told him shyly. 

Then Bobby came up to you. Even though he wouldn’t admit it, his eyes were misty. His voice was gruff, as though he had something in his throat. 

“I uh, gave your car a once over, oil’s good. Full of gas, and everything should run smoothly…” he trailed off.

Tears fell from your eyes as you pulled Bobby into your arms. Your hands held onto him tightly and you buried your face in his shoulder. You stayed there for a long time. He held you tightly and you noted that there wasn’t an awkward pat on the shoulder. 

“OK,” Bobby said before he let you go. 

Finally you let him go and wiped the tears away.

“You losers better call me when this is all over.” You gave them a watery smile and they chuckled at you. 

You drove away and even though you wanted to you didn’t look back. If you did there was no way you could’ve kept going

~

College turned out to be a good experience. You were there for two and a half years. You researched all kind of lore in your spare time. You took a few self-defense classes, and took up a couple fighting style classes. You were all about being prepared. 

There were times when college was hard. Yes the classes were sometimes challenging, but the hardest part was making friends. You were used to a grumpy old man, not rowdy teenagers. They wanted to drink all day every day and cause problems. All you wanted a quiet space to read in and to be left alone. You didn’t make many friends and those whose company you did come to enjoy didn’t stay long. There was the occasional guy who was interested, but all you could think about was Sam. Of course you got the occasional call from Sam and Dean sometimes, but that wasn’t enough to keep the loneliness from creeping into your skin. One night the loneliness got to be too much for you.  
After your eighth or ninth shot however, things didn’t seem as bad. You weren’t as lonely considering you had begun to talk to yourself. After you’re twelfth shot is when you began to want things. Things you couldn’t have, like a warm hard body holding you, one with long hair and hazel eyes. 

‘Damn it,’ you thought to yourself, ‘how come I always end up here?’

A little while later your phone buzzed. At first you thought it was just a message, but it kept buzzing. So you answered it without looking at who it was. 

“What?” you said rather abruptly. 

Your name was said hesitantly from the other side of the phone. But you had to think for a moment, because that wasn’t any old voice. That was Sam’s voice, fucking hell. You missed him desperately.

“Um hey Sam…” you slurred. 

He still made you nervous, even when you were drunk. You laughed at your own foolishness. 

“Are you drunk?” he asked you, almost as if he couldn’t believe it. 

‘Well that’s kind of rude,’ your drunken brain supplied.

“What’s it to you?” you asked him defensively. 

“No offense intended,” he said with a chuckle, “you just seem cute is all.”

“As opposed to when?” you asked him.

“No other time, you’re pretty much always cute.”

“How’s hunting,” you asked trying to will away your blush.

“It’s good, we got the Big Bad.”

“Hmmm that’s good,” you knew he was lying. 

He wasn’t with Dean as you had just got done talking to Dean yesterday and he had told you everything that was happening. Poor boy needed someone to talk to and even though you didn’t have feelings for Dean you still loved him like a brother. When he needed someone you wanted to make sure he knew he could come to you. Even though Sam was lying you didn’t want to start a fight in your inebriated state. 

“So what’s up? Why are you calling? Cause I gotta say I think I’m too drunk for a consult right now.” You said with a giggle. 

“What if I didn’t call for a consult? What if I just wanted to hear from my favorite girl?” he told you playfully.

‘Oh my God,’ you thought, ‘he called me his girl!’

‘His favorite,’ your drunk brain reeled you back, ‘One of many probably.’

“ ‘M your favorite?” you asked, perhaps too sullenly. 

“Of course you’re my favorite.”

You gave him an uninterested huff. 

“What? You don’t want to be my favorite?” he teased. 

“No, I want to be your favorite,” you said shyly. 

“Am I your favorite?”

“Something like that.”

“I can’t wait to tell Dean, he’ll be so heartbroken,” he said with a fake sigh. 

“No,” drunk you lamented loudly, not comprehending the joke, “I love Dean, I don’t wanna make him hurt him.”

“You love Dean?” Sam asked.

“Of course I do.”

He was silent for a moment. 

“You love him more than me?” he asked.

“Why are you jealous?”

“Maybe,” he was smiling you could hear it. 

“Now Sam, why on Earth would you be jealous?”

“Because I thought you were my girl,” he said with a fake pout.

“Sam, you know I’m your girl,” you basically purred at him. 

You sighed and plopped down on your bed. 

“What are you up to? I hope you’re not still drinking.”

“No, Mr. Bossy Pants, I’m just relaxing, being bored. I miss you guys,” you sighed. 

“We miss you too Sweetness,” he said. 

“Sweetness,” you laughed, “does being your favorite mean I get cheesy nicknames?” 

“Apparently,” he said dryly. 

“Do I get to give you a nickname?” 

“You can give me anything.”

“Don’t say things like that, it’ll make me ask for things.

“Ask me anything?”

“What if…” you ventured, “what if I didn’t want to be your favorite?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean ‘favorite’ is nice and all, but I like the sound of ‘only’ better.”

Your heartbeat sped up and anticipation filled your body. What if this is where he drew the line? Playful flirting was one thing, but maybe you were getting too real. You clutched the phone tightly hoping you hadn’t crossed any lines.

“Only?” he asked, “Oh… only,” Now he was getting it.

You heard the door open on the other line and muffled talking. Then you hear a door slam, and a few footsteps later Sam began talking. 

“You still there babe?” 

You smiled at the term. 

“Yeah,” your smile could probably be heard through the phone. 

“So you want to be my only huh?” he asked.

“Well,” you said, as you blushed again, “it would only be fair considering you’re my only.”

You heard him breathe heavily for a moment. 

“Baby, you can’t tell me there aren’t any guys at your college that don’t want you.”

“Well there are… but they’re not you,” you admitted.

He groaned quietly on the phone. 

“Do you have any idea how hard this is for me?” he asked frantically, “Babe I’m twenty six, your eighteen, I’m almost ten years older than you.”

Hard for him? How was it hard for him, you were the one with the unrequited feelings. He was the one that with someone else, even if that someone else was a demon. Unless… unless there was something he wasn’t telling you. Hope soared through you as you thought of all the possibilities. But you had to get through this phone call first, and make sure you didn’t screw up along the way.

“I don’t care about that.”

“What about me being Lucifer’s vessel, what about me drinking-“

“I know Sam,” you cut him off completely exasperated, you were tired of having to pretend you didn’t know, “I may be drunk, but I know, I know about Lucifer, I remember you telling me about it, I know about the demon blood, I know you’re not with Dean right now, and I know you’re fucking that demon Ruby. I know okay.”

“You know all that and you still…”

“Yeah Sam,” you regretted not being sober for this conversation, “cause to me you’re not just ‘the boy with the demon blood,’ you’re Sam. You have darkness in you yes, so does everyone. But you have this light inside you too and it’s blinding. You’re smart and funny and so much more than just a weapon for them to use.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yeah I do,” you said.

“Just stop it okay? You’re just a little girl with a crush and you need to stop assuming everything. Not everything turns out okay just because you want it to.” 

That hurt. It hurt more than you thought it would because you never would’ve guessed that Sam would’ve ever used your feelings against you like that to completely invalidate you.

“No it doesn’t, you have to fight for it. Question is, are you gonna fight?” 

“Fight… for you?”

“No you dumbass, contrary to what you may believe I don’t need you to love me, I can love you by myself. Secondly I meant fight the apocalypse, fight the addiction, fight the darkness. Jesus I’m not that selfish. I thought you knew me.”

“I do know you-”

Sam’s voice was cut off by a female’s voice. You knew who it belonged to and it made your skin crawl. 

“Sam don’t trust that demon,” you pleaded. 

You knew you were jealous of her. You admitted that. She got to have him on a level that you probably would never get to comprehend. But that wasn’t all, you just knew she shouldn’t be trusted no matter what story she fed the brothers. Obviously Dean felt the same way if he wasn’t traveling with Sam. You heard him breathe on the phone for a few moments, and then he hung up without saying goodbye. You cried that night and even though you were angry with him you prayed for Sam’s welfare. 

~Sam’s POV ~

Everything was getting darker in his life. Dean and Bobby didn’t trust him anymore, Castiel thought he was an abomination and Ruby… Well he knew being with Ruby was like playing with fire. He was currently being lectured by her right now and had to use all the will power he had not to roll his eyes. There was a strained silence in which he was nervously fidgeting his phones in between his hands. 

“Are you serious right now?” Ruby asked him.

“What?”

“I’m trying to help you save the world and you’re zoning out, and thinking about calling that girl again, that’s what you always do when you fidget with your phone.”

“And what if I am? Am I not supposed to?” Is it detrimental to my training?” he asked sarcastically.

“You always get unfocused after you talk to her.”

“Are you jealous?”

“Me? Jealous? Oh a pathetic human with a pathetic crush on you? That’s pretty fucking rich Sam.”

She leaned on the arm rests of his chair to get in his face.

“There were humans before you, and if you get off your lazy ass and stop day dreaming, then there’ll be humans after you. But go ahead, if you can’t help yourself then call your precious little miss innocent.”

He grabbed her forcefully by her arms and shoved her off of his chair.

“You don’t talk about her,” he spit out. 

She laughed at him quietly and sat down on the sofa across the room from him and folded her arms. His jaw clenched, Ruby was brutal and foreign and though she was on their side there was a feeling darkness around her. ________ on the other hand. She was pure, she was light, she was surrounded by a feeling of home, something he had never had, but felt when he was in her presence. 

‘That’s only because she doesn’t know the real you,’ he thought. His hands were shaking; he knew he needed to talk to her that night. He called her and it rung four times before she picked up the phone.

“What?” she said abruptly. 

He said her name hesitantly.

“Um hey Sam,” she said sluggishly.

She let out a small laugh that tapered off. 

“Are you drunk?” he asked her. 

If she was he couldn’t believe that this was happening. He never saw her touch the stuff before she left. He wondered if everything was alright with her. He imagined many times that he would go surprise her with a visit, but as always hunting came first. 

“What’s it to you?” she questioned him.

He smiled. He knew she was a cute drunk. He wished he could’ve been there to see her.

“Nothing,” he laughed a quiet laugh, “you just sound cute.”

“As opposed to when?”

“No other time, you’re pretty much always cute.”

He saw ruby roll her eyes. 

“How’s hunting?” she asked him.

“It’s good,” he lied, “ we got the Big Bad.” 

“Hmmm that’s good. So what’s up, why are you calling? Cause I gotta say I don’t I’m sober enough for a consult right now.”

“What if I didn’t call for a consult, what if I just wanted to hear from my favorite girl?” he told her a faint blush painted his cheeks. 

Ruby made a gesture of fake gagging and turned the TV on. 

“ ‘M your favorite?” she asked, she didn’t seem too happy.

“Of course you’re my favorite.”

She let out a huff. Was it out of annoyance, was he bugging her?

”What, you don’t wanna be my favorite?” he teased hoping to ease the tension.

“No I wanna be your favorite,” she said shyly.

“Am I your favorite?”

“Something like that.”

“Wow I can’t wait to tell Dean, he’ll be so heart broken.”

“No,” she said loudly, “I love Dean I don’t wanna hurt him. 

“You love Dean?” 

His breath caught in his throat. No, that wasn’t right. He remembered all those times she stuttered at him, and that kiss in Bobby’s library… she hadn’t changed her mind had she? He heard Ruby cackle. 

“Of course I do,” she said.

Jealousy surged through him. 

“You love him more than me?” he asked as he tried to keep a light tone, but positively failed. 

“Why, are you jealous?” she teased.

‘More than you know’ he thought.

“Maybe,” he ended up saying. 

“Now Sam, why on Earth would you be jealous?”

“Cause I thought you were my girl,” he tried not to sound too petulant.

“Sam you know I’m your girl,” she said.

Goddamn her voice alone. She was so sweet and innocent; she had no idea what she did to him, how refreshing she was. He just wanted to go to now, to confess his sins. He wanted to get away from this life, this life that kept her from him. He wanted to do a lot of things, things he knew he’s never get to have with her. He saw Ruby roll her eyes at him again. He shifted uncomfortable; he had completely forgotten she was in the room. 

“So what are you up to? I hope you’re not still drinking?” he asked her.

“No I’m just lying around here, relaxing, being bored. I miss you guys.”

He gulped slightly and shifted again. He could imagine her laying down, soft curves, gentle voice, big eyes, lips begging to be kissed.

“We miss you too Sweetness,” he said, his voice going soft.

“Sweetness? Does being your favorite mean I get cheesy nicknames?”

“Apparently,” he said embarrassedly.

“Do i get to give you a nickname?”

“You can give me anything,” he blurted out.

He heard Ruby snort. 

“Don’t say things like that, that’ll make me, ask for things.”

“Ask me anything.”

“What if…. What if I didn’t want to be your favorite?”

He was confused; didn’t she just say she liked being his favorite? What went wrong?

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, ‘favorite,’ is nice and all, but I like the sound of, ‘only,’ better. 

“Only?” he asked. “Oh… Only.” 

Once it clicked his face heated and burned, but his insides were singing. He couldn’t get away from the happy knowledge that it was him she wanted. Even if he couldn’t have her, even if he wasn’t good enough it still left an impression that he was the one she wanted. 

He saw Ruby smirk at him, and he hurried outside. Ruby’s smirk reminded him that he wasn’t who ______ thought he was. There’s no way she’d want him if she knew.

“Hurry back Sammy, can’t talk to your, ‘favorite girl,’ all night. Big day tomorrow.” Ruby teased, before he shut the door. 

He breathed in the crisp night air to calm himself down. 

“You still there babe?” he slipped the word out by accident. It was getting harder to restrain himself from her, he wanted. He wanted her so badly, but for her own good he’d have to talk some sense into her. 

“Yeah,” she said. He could practically hear her smile. 

“So you wanna be my only huh?” he said.

What was he doing? He clenched his fists. He needed to drive her away not bring her closer. 

“I think it’s only fair considering you’re my only,” she said playfully. 

He breathed heavily for a moment. Longing radiated through himself. He ached to say everything he wanted to say to her. How he wanted to be her only, he wanted everyone to know she was his, that he would drive all night just to be with her till her next class, but he wouldn’t be selfish. She had no idea about him. 

“Baby, you can’t tell me there’s no guys at college who want you,” he said deflecting. 

“Well there are but they’re not you,” she admitted. 

He groaned, Jesus Christ, it was like she was saving herself for him, like she was keeping his bed warm for him while he fought, ‘the Big Bad.’

“Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? Babe I’m twenty six and your eighteen I’m almost ten years older than you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Yeah? What about me being Lucifer’s vessel? What about me drinking-“

“I know Sam, I may be drunk but I know. I know about the Lucifer, I remember you telling me and I know about the demon blood, I know you’re not with Dean right now and I know your fucking that demon Ruby. I know ok.”

His face heated. He knew nothing changed, but now that he knew that she knew, he felt like he was just caught cheating.

“You know all that and you still…”

“Yeah Sam I do, cause to me you aren’t just, ‘the boy with the demon blood,’ your just Sam. Yeah you have darkness in you, so does everyone, but you have lightness in you too and it’s blinding, and you’re smart and funny and so much more than just a weapon for them to use.”

He was taken aback. His throat went dry.

“You don’t know that,” he croaked.

“Yeah Sam I do.” She said with a note of finality.

He snapped, if she wouldn’t see reason then he would have to resort to making her hate him, no matter how much it would hurt him. 

“Just stop it okay?” he began heatedly, “you’re just a little girl with a crush, and you need to stop assuming everything! Not everything works out just because you want it to.”

“No Sam it doesn’t you have to fight for it. Question is, are you willing to fight for it?”

“Fight… for you?” 

He would. If that meant he got to keep her he would fight all of hell for her, but he couldn’t have her. He always ended up fighting against her. Being away from him made her safe.

“No you dumbass,” she caught him off guard, “contrary to what you believe I don’t need you to love me, I can love you all my by myself. Secondly I meant fight the apocalypse, fight the addiction, and fight the darkness. Jesus imp not that selfish, I thought you knew me.”

He was stunned by her declaration of love for a moment before he quietly added, “I do know you.”

Suddenly Ruby jumped out the door, and he pushed the phone to his shoulder. Sure she knew about Ruby, but knowing about her and hearing her talk to him were two different things. Ruby had cut up her arm and was handing it out to him in invitation.

“Come on Sammy boy, supper’s ready.” 

His mouth salivated. Then he heard her voice on the phone.

“Sam, don’t trust that demon.”

He knew he couldn’t say no to the ambrosia falling from Ruby's arms and he couldn’t listen to _______’s sweet voice when he was about to attach himself to Ruby yet again. He hung up the phone and as an afterthought he prayed that she would forgive him, but he knew it would be better for her if she didn’t.

~

That phone call was the worst thing to come from your college experience. You wanted to appease Sam and apologize, because you were so in love with him. But you had self-respect. If he was going to run around and lie and do things he knew were unacceptable then you were just going to have to wait it out. Sam was smart, eventually he would see sense.

~ Sams POV ~

It was their last night on Earth. Well it was his last night as he was going to say yes to Lucifer tomorrow. He was in his motel room crawling the walls. Ruby betrayed him, Castiel said he’s an abomination, Dean and Bobby say they trust him, but he could see the wariness in their eyes, and the last time he talked to ____ he hung up on her. He was feeling rather alone, then annoyed as he heard a familiar flap of wings. 

“Cas I really don’t want to talk right now.”

“Good,” he said somewhat coolly, “then you can listen. “

Sam rolled his eyes, but he supposed he had no choice. 

“You know I have a rather profound bond with your brother,”

“Yeah I know about your guys’ bromance, what’s it to me?”

“Well,” Castiel sighed, “Because of this I keep a particularly strong ear when I hear the name Winchester in a prayer. I head your name attached to prayers from Bobby and Dean, that’s to be expected. But there is another person who prays for you.”

“________?” Sam hoped.

“________,” Castiel repeated, the ghost of a smile played across his face, “She prays a lot. Sometimes it’s nonsensical things like she thinks you’ll like a specific thing she saw, or hopes that you’re doing well. She prays that you have good days and sometimes, sometimes she cries for hours and just prays for your safety. Mostly she prays that you were with her. But I don’t think she realizes those are prayers that can be heard.”

Sam was silent for a moment and uncharacteristically he asked Castiel a personal question. 

“Do you think she’d like it if I called her?”

“I think she would be ecstatic.”

Sam gave him a hurried smile and then opened his phone when he heard Castiel’s departure. The phone rang three times, then she picked up. 

“Hello?” she asked hesitantly. 

Sam cringed when he remembered the last time they talked.

“Hey, how are you?” he ventured. 

“I’m good, what do you want Sam?”

He winced at her abruptness, but he knew he deserved it, hell he deserved worse. 

“I just… uh I just wanted to apologize for the last time we talked. It wasn’t right to say those things to you and then hang up.”

“You’re right it wasn’t.” 

“So, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry and that… that I miss you.”

She sighed heavily and he heard her move around for a moment. 

“I miss you too Sam.”

He smiled and inhaled shakily before he tried to speak. 

“So,” he cleared his throat, “how are you?”

“I’m good, you sound… not so good.”

He laughed maybe a little too tightly and ran his hand through his hair. He then realized his hands were shaking and a film of tears covered his eyes. 

“I’m fine,” he stated.

“Sam,” she implored. 

He breathed heavily and thought, ‘Fuck it, I’m gonna die tomorrow.’

“Actually,” he started out, “I’m really scared.”

There was silence for a long moment and he thought that maybe she hung up on him before her heard her say something completely unexpected.

“Where are you,” she asked. 

“What?”

“Where. Are. You?” 

“Why?”

“Cause I’m coming to see you.”

“No baby please you can’t.”

“Sam tell me-“

“No, if I ever did a good thing in my life it was keeping you safe, and away from me.”

“Whatever is happening right now, whatever is scaring you so badly I can help. Just let me come to you.”

“Don’t,” he gritted out, “I have to do this and f you ask me to leave it for you I will, so don’t ask please, I’m not strong enough.”

“Sam, what’s happening?”

“I just… I guess I have to make peace with certain things.”

“Like?” she urged him.

“Like how I think about you constantly. Like how I always look forward to our phone calls. Like how I love how your nose scrunches up while you laugh. Like how I wish I wasn’t  
me so I could…” he trailed off.

“Sam, why are you saying all this?”

“Because I don’t know when I’m gonna get to talk to you again.”

“Tell me where you are,” she asked again.

“Why it won’t change an-“

“Because I fucking said so,” she told him desperately. 

“I’m in Detroit,” he told her. 

“Damn it Sam, that’s like four hours away from me, I can be there by morning.”

“No, by morning I have to go.”

She let out a broken sob. 

“This isn’t how I wanted this to go.”

He heard her sniffle for a moment then she tried to school her breathing. 

“What do you want me to do?”

“Just,” he was at a loss, “…. Just be with me.”

He heard her inhale sharply. After a few moments of silence, she spoke. 

“I uh, I went to a farmers market the other day and I thought of you.”

He laughed.

“I was thinking that if you ever came to visit I could take you there.”

“I’d love to go there with you,” he said as tears fell down his face.

That’s what they did for the rest of the night. They just talked shop, as though nothing was going to happen in the morning. Then six thirty rolled around and that’s when he said it.

“I gotta go babe.”

“Wait! Wait, I…I,”

“Yeah,” he said, he was waiting on baited breath.

“I just wanted to say that… it was always you Sam. I always chose you.”

He felt like the wind got knocked out of him. He felt a longing in him that he knew would never be quenched.

“The only times I was ever really happy, I was with you,” he told her. 

He heard her muffled sobs and a “Sam, please I-“before he hung up on her and turned his phone off. It was better this way. He sighed and walked out of the motel room, her words soothing him while walked toward his inevitable destruction. 

~

You always got a call from Bobby, about once a week. So after your phone call with Sam you called Bobby constantly. After a while you got a hold of him and he told you the apocalypse had been averted. You mourned for Sam. You didn’t go to classes for two weeks. You stopped eating, and didn’t answer your phone at all. Finally Bobby had to come by and haul your ass out of bed. He told you that Sam didn’t sacrifice himself so you could wallow in sadness. You started to go to class again, but it was just you going through the motions, until one day you got a text from Dean. It was him and…Sam. He looked different. Colder. But very much alive. You called Dean and tried to keep your voice non-hysterical. He filled you in on everything. How Bobby died for a few minutes (you were going to have a few choice words with him for withholding that information from you) how Michael and Lucifer were in the cage, and how Sam came back with no soul, etc. You asked if you could talk to Sam, but Dean averted your request. 

“Squirt… he ain’t the same… I’d wait till he gets his soul back ok?”

You agreed to his demand after Dean had basically begged you. During the rest of your college stay you would sometimes see Bobby stop by, and you and he would have dinner and catch up. Occasionally you would get a text from Dean, something funny or quirky. After a while Dean called you.

“Hey Dean what’s up?”

Your name was said, but not by Dean’s voice.

“Sam is that you?” you asked shakily.

“Yupp, just thought I’d call in… see how you were doing.”

“Are you…ok… I mean do you- do you,” you tried to say as your face heated.

“I have my soul back if that’s what you wanna say.”

“I’m happy for you Sam.”

“Yeah me too.”

There was silence. You were remembering that awkward drunk phone call. It wasn’t the last time you spoke to Sam it was definitely playing in your mind. This was more awkward than you thought it would be. 

“You know I miss you guys,” you said.

“Yeah? We miss you too…. I miss you.”

“You do?” you asked as your heart soared. 

“Yeah…” he said wistfully, “…I mean… its great researching with you, Dean is driving me crazy,” he laughed. 

You couldn’t help the disappointment that flooded through you. You thought maybe he would’ve said something else. You finished catching up, stuttering and sighing your way through it. Finally the call ended, and hugged your pillow to your chest. You thought of Sam every day. You tried not to, and you tried dating, but you couldn’t find anyone that could match up to him. 

After you were finished with college you showed up on Bobby’s doorstep. You shakily knocked on the door, waiting for someone to answer. Bobby opened the door quickly. He froze when he saw you. 

“Heya Bobby. I was…. I was wondering if maybe…. If I could..” you couldn’t ask to stay, but this was the only home you had. 

“Don’t be an idjit,” he said after a moment of silence. “Your room is still set up.”

~ Sam’s POV phone call ~

He held the phone in his hands and stared at it. It had been two weeks since he had got his soul back, and after a very illuminating hunt he realized he had no memories of the past year. ‘What if I called her? What if I visited her, what if I did something terrible in front of her?’ his mind was racing.

“Stop thinking so goddamn loud,” Dean told him. 

“Dean, I want to call her.”

He didn’t have to specify who he was talking about. Dean knew by now that the only person he ever really wanted to talk to was her. 

“Ha! Yeah you do,”

“Shut up. What if I did something to her when I was soulless. What if she hates me?”

“She doesn’t and you didn’t,” he said, as he took a huge bite of his burger, “I called her after we got sold out by Samuel and she wanted to talk to you so I guess you didn’t mess anything up.”

“She wanted to talk to me? Wait how often do you two talk?” he asked incredulously. 

Dean raised a brow to him, and continued to chew his food without answering. He gave Sam his exasperated and somewhat bored look. 

“We talked a lot Sam, ya know she doesn’t exclusively belong to you.”

“What do you talk about?”

“None of your business.”

“Dean,” Sam said warningly.

“Calm down Romeo, we just talk shop. Ain’t nothing romantic going on between me and her. Besides we both needed someone to talk to when you were a walking talking robot. You should give her a call I bet she’s dying to hear from you every time we talked it was mostly about you anyway,” he waggled his eyebrows and made a kissy face. 

Then he grabbed his jacket. 

“Where are you going?”

“I’m not staying here to listen to you moon over the girl you’ve been in love with since forever, its disgustingly sweet, and I might throw up.”

“Shut up jerk,” He said dialing her number.

“Bitch,” said Dean before exiting. 

The phone rang three times before it was picked up.

“Hey Dean, what’s up?” 

Oh right, this was Dean’s old phone. 

He said her name hesitantly. 

“Sam is that you?”

“Yupp, just thought I’d call in… see how you were doing.”

He rubbed the back of his neck. This was feeling awkward.

“Are you…ok…I mean do you- do you,”

“I have my soul back if that’s what you wanna say,” he told her.

Of course she’d want to know. Of course she was worried about him. She was perfect, the way she said his name made his heart ache, wishing he was there with her. 

“I’m happy for you Sam,” she said.

“Yeah me too.”

There was silence. 

“You know I miss you guys,” she said.

You guys, not just him. Well if he wanted to gain any information he’ d have to go on a limb.

“Yeah? We miss you too… I miss you.”

“You do?”  
He could hear the slight hope in her voice, and that gave him the courage to finish the thought.

“Yeah,” he said wistfully, “…I mean…. It’s great researching with you, Dean is driving me crazy,” he laughed. 

Well almost finish the thought. ‘Jesus I didn’t know I was such a pansy,’ he thought. 

You finished catching up. He heard her stutter and sigh a couple of times, which renewed his hope of her feelings about him. Finally the call ended and he laid there on the bed, holding the phone in one hand and going over the conversation in his mind. God, he missed her so much. But she was off having a normal life, and he was anything but normal.  
She deserved more than he could ever give her. That’s when Dean called from his other cell phone.

“Hey, you done professing your love Romeo?” Dean laughed. 

“Your such a dick,” he said hanging up.


	5. Chapter 5

After the apocalypse apparently God got his act together and starting regulating the angels again. There were no more world problems, but there was still the odd demon and spirit to take care of. Sam and Dean would visit occasionally. There was definitely a special visit that you remembered. There wasn’t anything to hunt that week, and so this visit was a social call. The first night they were there they decided to watch a movie. Dean declared they should watch Top Gun and Sam rolled his eyes, but agreed. Bobby was on the recliner, Dean was on the single chair, and Sam was on the couch. The only other spot available was the one next to Sam. Your eyes shot to dean who waggled his eyebrows at you. 

You rolled your eyes and took a seat next to Sam. In the beginning of the movie you were hyper aware of everything, Sam’s breathing, Sam shifting to get comfortable, Sam and his fucking twizzlers. But the movie was so boring. It was so cheesy with obvious 80’s action guy lines. You soon felt your body get heavy and your eyes droop. You didn’t want to leave, it wasn’t every day you got to sit next to Sam, but eventually you fell asleep.

You felt a gentle push on your shoulder, causing your body to move to your right. You drooped against something warm and in your mind you realized you were pushed onto Sam in your sleep. If Dean’s muffled laughter wasn’t enough his teasing led you to believe it was him who had pushed you. You just wanted to sleep and you were about to open your eyes when you felt Sam shift his arm and put it around you. You were screaming in your head, but gave no outer indication that you were anything, but sleeping. You minutely snuggled into him, just enough to be comfortable and still seem asleep. That’s when you heard Dean barely whispered so he didn’t wake Bobby up.

“ Aw, looks like you got an admirer Sammy.”

“Shut up Dean.”

“Come on, you gotta admit, her little crush on you is adorable,” you could almost hear Dean’s grin. 

“Dude. Shut up”

You heard all of it, but out of embarrassment and the fact that you were actually having physical contact with Sam, you decided to try and fall asleep. After a while you felt Sam’s hand brush back and forth over your arm. 

~ Sam’s Pov ~

‘Ugh Top Gun again,’ he thought. He only agreed to it, because she did. Bobby sat in his recliner and he thought Dean was going to sit next to him. But Dean raced for the single chair. Bobby cocked an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. She came in the room, and no had no choice but to sit next to him. He couldn’t pay attention to the movie, not that it was that gripping to begin with, but because he was so aware of the girl sitting next to him. 

‘Not a girl anymore,’ he thought, ‘She must be what? Twenty now? That’s old enough.’ He thought. 

He blushed at his own thinking. He was eight years older than her, almost thirty. He shook his head, there was no way. He peeked a glance at her and realized she had fallen asleep. He smiled and looked back at the tv. Then he heard Dean laughing quietly to himself. That’s when he felt a body fall against his own softly. He looked down to see her leaning against his arm. 

“Aw, looks like you’ve got an admirer Sammy.”

“Shut up Dean,” he said quietly, not wanting to wake her up.

“Come on you gotta admit her little crush on you is adorable,” Dean said and looked pointedly at Sam. 

He knew, just like Dean knew that her crush on him wasn’t unreciprocated at all. He just didn’t deserve her. He felt her snuggle against him, and he moved his arm so he could hold her better, although if someone asked it was because it was more comfortable.

"I’ll never get to have her, she’s too pure for me. I’d taint her,’ he thought grimly.

He started to run lazy circles on her arm with his thumb. At least for right now though, he could pretend.

~

Suddenly it was the New Year. Bobby informed you that Sam and Dean were coming and you knew that Deans birthday was coming up. So, you got to work and made a pie for him. Well two pies to be exact. You made a pecan pie that was just for Dean and a cherry one for you Sam, Dean and Bobby. You heard Sam and Dean walk in. 

“Hey Bobby how’re--… do I smell pie?” Dean asked. 

You laughed exiting the kitchen. 

“Yes, but their cooling right now, I don’t want you ruining it, or burning yourself. You’re just gonna have to wait.” You told him, hands on your hips. 

He laughed, hugged you and picked you up, causing you to squeal. 

“You are amazing, seriously will you marry me?” 

You swatted his arm, “ put me down you doof.”

“Yeah, better get my hands off you before Sammy boy gets jealous,” he said with a smirk.

He set you down before you heard an exasperated, “Shut up Dean.” 

“What do you want for dinner birthday boy?” you asked to change the subject. 

Deans eyes lit up, “are you serious?” 

“Absolutely,”

“Oh man roast, with potatoes.”

“I figured, it’s already cooking, I just wanted to make sure,”

“Seriously marry me,” he said and he looked pointedly at Sam’s back. You blushed and hit his arm. 

“I have to go check on dinner, although now I don’t know why I’m making it.”

You entered the kitchen and after you checked on dinner, noting it needed about twenty minutes you started the dishes. That’s when Sam entered. He leaned up against the counter and smiled at you. 

“You know, I never got a hug,” he said quietly, but teasingly.

You smiled and dried your hands. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and felt his arms sling around your waist. You rested your head on his chest and just breathed him in. He held you tighter and you just closed your eyes. Everything was perfect and peaceful until you heard Dean in the other room.

“UUUGGGHHH how much longer,”

Your hands slid down from Sam’s shoulder, but stayed on his chest. 

“Dean Winchester, it’ll be done when it’s done, if you’re gonna complain you won’t be getting any,” you teased.

You turned back to Sam and realized your hands were still on his chest and his were still on your waist. You cleared your throat and began to do the dishes again. You and Sam filled the silence with small talk, until dinner was served. 

~ Sam’s POV ~

Sam walked into Bobby’s house behind Dean. He hefted his bag up on his shoulder and smiled as he heard the faint sound of music playing. He knew it was her music and that she must be doing something domestic if there was music playing. 

“Hey Bobby how’re--…. Do I smell pie?” Dean asked.

The aroma certainly was in the air, and then she walked out of the kitchen laughing. He couldn’t help, but smile at her entrance, she looked so soft and approachable. Fantasies of how he could come home to this sight had him stilling. Then Dean hugged her and picked her up, he turned away from the sight to put his bag down. 

“You are amazing, seriously will you marry me?” Dean asked.

Spikes of jealousy and rage pricked at him for a moment. He knew Dean was just joking, probably just to get a reaction out of him, but it still made his skin crawl. 

“Put me down you doof,” he heard her say.

“Yeah, better get my hands off you before Sammy boy gets jealous.”

“Shut up Dean,” he said tiredly. 

He didn’t like this game Dean was playing. He hadn’t seen them touch all that much before and now he was hugging her and just being a little too friendly. He zoned out, completely enraptured by how beautiful she was, just on a day to day basis. Then he saw Bobby looking at him strangely. He cleared his throat, their dialogue in the background while he tried to seem innocent under Bobby’s stare. He turned and pretended to sort through his stuff.

“Seriously marry me,” Dean asked again. 

“I have to go check on dinner although now I don’t know why I’m making it,” she teased him. 

She left to go to the kitchen and that’s when Bobby decided to take center stage.

“Whatever you two are doing, it needs to stop now,” he said threateningly.

“It’s all Dean,” he said non-committedly as he walked into the kitchen after her. 

Dean spluttered under Bobby’s gaze. He entered the kitchen and saw her at the sink. He leaned up against the counter and smiled at her. 

“You know, I never got a hug,” he told her, trying to put on his best teasing face. 

She smiled at him and dried her hands. She wrapped her arms around him shoulder, and he pulled her in by the waist. Everything was silent, and he could feel the very softness of her that he craved to feel in the office. When he was with her everything felt right, if only for a moment. She felt like happiness and peace and home. 

“UUUUGGGHHH how much longer,” he heard Dean wail from the living room.

Her hands slid down from his shoulders but they stayed on his chest. It was good because he wasn’t prepared to let her go just yet either. 

“Dean Winchester it’ll be done when it’s done, if you’re gonna complain you won’t be getting any,” she said in a playful manner. 

He smiled at her. Yes, her and Dean’s relationship was strictly platonic. Like brother and sister. He didn’t want to let go of her just yet, but she cleared her throat and pulled away to do the dishes. He let her go begrudgingly and just spoke with her about recent events. He was glad he could have tonight be a good quiet night with her company.

~

It was time for bed. Long gone were the days when you would fall asleep at your desk. Nightmares still littered your dreams, but you long since have grown use to waking up shaking and sweating in the middle of the night. You slipped on some cotton shorts and baggy tee shirt. You were about to crawl in bed when you heard a knock on your door. It was Sam.

“Hey, can I uh, come in?” he asked.

You groaned internally wishing you had picked out some better looking pajamas, but you waved him in. You noticed he was hiding something behind his back. 

“I uh… well I got you something for your birthday last year, and well you were at college, but now you’re here so… I got this for you.” He handed you a square box wrapped in   
wrapping paper, it was scratched up a bit, leading you to believe that he had held onto it for a long time as he said. You opened it up. It was a book, titled, “The Enochian Myth.” Sure, you realized angels were dicks, but you loved reading about them. You smiled at Sam.

“Thank you so much,” you told him.

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and pressed up against him, feeling his arms circle around you. Feeling brave you stood on your tip toes and pressed a chaste kiss to his cheek, much like you did that night, which felt so long ago. You let go of him, and placed the book on your nightstand. You turned and saw that Sam was walking out of your room, he smiled at you and said, “Good night beautiful.”

~

A couple of weeks later, Dean and Sam came by after a successful hunt. They said it was relatively close to Bobby’s so it was no hassle to come visit. 

“Someone’s gotta give you a hard time Squirt,” Dean said.

“Deaaaann,” you whined, “are you ever gonna stop calling me that I’m twenty years old.

He snorted, “oh to be twenty again, right Sammy.” 

Sam just smiled at you. The guys decided to go to the bar. Bobby actually invited you. 

“Don’t drink your ass off okay?” 

You nodded, you were excited to join the guys. You guys entered the bar and took a table. Dean and Bobby sat together, while you and Sam took the other side. You offer to get the drinks, “Hey you guys got the Big Bad, the least I can do is go get your drinks.” 

You get the drinks, a non-alcoholic one for yourself and sit back down at the table. Suddenly a young man comes up to the table, he’s relatively good looking. Blond hair, blue eyes, strong build.

“Hey,” he begins talking to you, “My name is Alex, I saw you at the bar, but you left before I had a chance to say hi… so hey,” he finished a little lamely. 

You stared, you didn’t have much experience in this department, you didn’t know what to do. Sure he was handsome and seemed friendly, but he wasn’t Sam. At that moment you came to the realization, as you had many times, that you didn’t actually have Sam, so what was the harm in flirting? By the time vowels started to come out of your mouth you felt a warm arm sling across your shoulders. You were lightly pressed to Sam’s side and you could feel the rumble in his chest when he spoke.

“Actually,” he began smoothly, “we’re here for a family celebration so she’s gonna stay here.” 

Alex backed off with a smile and a, “maybe next time.” You blushed and waved, as you heard a small snort come from Sam. Bobby and Dean were giving him the eyes as you turned fully toward Dean and Bobby. 

“Well, are you gonna tell me how awesome the hunt went or not?” you asked. 

Dean smiled fully as he began to regale the hunt and how he was, “totally badass as I iced that mother.” You listened politely and gasped at the appropriate times, but you remained focused on the fact that Sam had kept his arm around you and that his thumb was rubbing lines on your shoulder as he laughed.   
~ 

Later on in the night, once you got back to Bobby’s you started getting ready for bed. When you finished brushing your teeth, on your walk back to your room you heard Sam and Dean talking. 

“Sooooo,” Dean drawls out unnecessarily long. 

“Soooooo,” his brother imitates him and laughs. 

“Soooo, you seemed uh, pretty possessive of _____ tonight.”

All you heard next was silence; Sam was probably making a bitch face at him.

“Come on, don’t look at me like that Sammy,” Dean slurs out.

You were right, total bitch face.

“Dean, please that guy was a creep, to come up to her after she sat down with m—us and proceeded to talk to her like we aren’t even there? What an asshole, I mean right?”

“Yeah, yeah, he was giving off creeper vibes, but dude you like peed in a circle around her,” Dean said as he started to laugh. 

“Dude, shut up, she might hear you.”

“What,” Dean began, “are you afraid of her finding out her big fat crush on you isn’t that entirely one sided?” Dean laughs some more and from the sound of it, Sam throws something at Dean. 

“Shut up jerk, she’s young enough to be like… a little sister or something.”

“Yeah, that excuse you keep peddling out gets weaker and weaker every time you use it.”

“Whatever man,” Sam said.

You heard his chair scrape so as quietly and quickly as you could you went to your room and buried yourself under the covers. You held a pillow to your chest and thought of everything you heard. You heard Dean downstairs playfully lamenting – loudly – about love and love lost. Of course Sam wasn’t interested in you. You never really entertained the idea that he was. It was just a nice fantasy to wrap yourself in among the monsters and daily horror. 

‘He did seem a tad too defensive,’ you brain supplied. 

But without further exposure to the topic, and there was no way you could get another peek like that, then it would be useless to think over the words, and that’s all you had anyways, were the words. So you would have to take them at face value. 

Sam Winchester did not want you.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit small but the next one is big and full of trigger warnings so i just wanted a good cut off in case people wanted to skip it

In a small town with only Bobby for company (and even that was sparse) you had started to get lonely. Sam and Dean barely visited. Company was hard to come by. That’s how you found yourself frequenting the local bar so much and as a result you had ended up meeting Alex and had stated to talk to him regularly. At first he was just someone to talk to, but he was charming and he was handsome That’s why every night when you weren’t researching you could be found with him. He made you smile, and bought you drinks and eventually you ended up going out with him. He brought you to a diner where you talked over greasy food. From then your relationship grew little by little. You kissed, but it never felt right. You even went so far as to tell him you were in love with someone else.  
“That tall guy at the bar when we met?” he asked. God, you were so transparent. He nodded and accepted it. All he said was, “I just want to spend time with you.” You knew it was a bad idea, but Bobby was gone more and more, and you were lonely as bad as it sounded.   
Sam would call you about every two weeks, and although you heard some dialog from Dean in the background, it was mostly you and Sam. You always missed the rumble of his voice; you swore you detected a hint of jealousy whenever you talked about Alex.  
It was four months after your birthday Even though you were with Alex sometimes you’d let your mind wander and relive that kiss you had with Sam. You knew that Sam didn’t feel the same way, but your mind would still conjure up image after image of Sam coming through Bobby’s front door, his arms wrapping around you and his lips – no. This wasn’t fair to Alex. 

~ Sam’s POV ~

He missed her desperately. He didn’t tell her this, but he lived for the times he could relax in the motel room and call her. Her sweet voice, always asking how he was, how he was doing, was there anything she could do to help. ‘Be with me,’ would always be on the tip of his tongue. But no, she had Alex now. He didn’t blame her of course. This Alex guy could probably give her a normal life and he couldn’t blame her for not waiting around for him when he wouldn’t make a move. He got off the phone with her one day and let out a huff of annoyance. She had spent half the time talking about a fair that Alex had brought her to. To be honest, she mostly talked about the fair, but he knew Alex had taken her. 

‘I wonder if she looks any different under the light of a fair at nighttime,’ he wondered. 

He doubted this Alex appreciated her as much as he did. 

“You can’t bitch if you sit there and do nothing.” Dean told him, without looking up from the tv. 

“What?”

“You can’t get huffy that she got a boyfriend when you sit there and do nothing to get her.”

“I’m not huffy,” he said with a bitch face. 

Dean shook his head and gave Sam a self-depreciating smile.

“I don’t know why you don’t go after her man, she’s old enough now and-“

“because its better this way. Because if I stay out of her life there’s less of a chance she’s going to get hurt.”

Dean just shook his head and took another swig of his beer. He knew things were going to happen eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a bit small but the next one is big and full of trigger warnings so i just wanted a good cut off in case people wanted to skip it


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE ALMOST NONCON/ VIOLENCE!!!!

Alex had wanted to take you on a special date. He told you to wear something fancy, and you picked out your only dress, a nice little blue number you had bought a couple years ago. He told you he was going to take you to a nice restaurant in the city, but he kept taking the dirt back roads. Finally he parked in a clearing and you cleared your throat looking around.

“Alex I thought you said-“

“I thought we could relax, and look at the stars for a while?” he asked.

You swallowed and nodded. You laid there with him in the bed of his truck and looked up at the stars. You were sick to your stomach. This was something you did with Sam.   
It was actually Dean that started it. Dean had come back to his and Sam’s motel room with someone and kicked Sam out. So he went outside and called you. You were on Bobby’s porch sipping some cocoa when he called. After a few pleasantries you asked him why he was calling you so late. He told you of his predicament and you proceeded to laugh at him heartily.

“Very funny,” he said smiling, “what are you doing up so late?”

“I couldn’t sleep so I came outside on the porch. Just sitting here looking at the stars.”

Sam looked up noticed that despite the neon sign of the motel he could make out a few stars. So that’s what you did for the next hour, you guessed which constellations were which, making some up, wondering if Sam could maybe see them too. 

“I swear it, it looks like a bunny,” you said giggling. 

“Yeah I’m sure it does,” he said laughing with you.

“What do you see?”

“A bunch of zigzags,” he answered.

“Sam come on, you have no imagination,” you scolded him.

After that night it became a kind of ritual for you two. If your phone call happened to be at night time during your talk both of you would go outside and guess the constellations.   
And now Alex wanted to look at the stars and a part of you got sick thinking about it. You didn’t want him to take this thing away from you and Sam. It was special to you, but you couldn’t explain that to him so you just laid there quietly. 

After a couple of minutes of silence Alex kissed you. This you could do, at least a little bit of it. It started out all sweet kisses and soft touches. Then you felt his hands race up your thighs.

“Alex, no. Please.”

Still he persisted. His hands were like iron.

“Come on baby, you’re driving me crazy over here.”

“Alex! Stop, seriously… I wanna go home now.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? It’s been like forever since we started dating. What the hell!”

“Get the fuck off me,” you yelled, but got cut off from him putting his hand on your mouth.

His other hand went to his zipper as he breathed heavily. He grinned at you. 

“Come on baby, there’s no way you don’t want this.”

You screamed around his hand and sprang like a wildcat. You punched and kicked and did everything you could think of to get out of the car, to get any leverage. 

“Come on bitch, I know you want it,” he grunted at you, as he tried to lay his full length on you.

Then you felt him bite the juncture between your neck and shoulder and you lost it completely. Humans don’t bite, but this one just did. You braced your hand and scratched at his face until he had no choice, all your former training flying out the window in your panic, but he let you go. You kicked him with all your might to his dick.   
He let out a pained groan while you made your escape. Then you ran, you ran as fast as your legs could carry you. You could feel your legs getting tired, your lungs were burning but you didn’t stop until you were locked behind Bobby’s front door. You fell to the floor, your whole body was throbbing, your lungs were burning, but still you heaved out a giant sob and began to cry. You hated that you were crying, but you seemed to have no control over it. You stayed there in the foyer until you had no more tears left to cry, then you slowly, achingly made your way to your room. You laid on top of the covers. You were scared. What if he came back, what if he tried to do that again. You grabbed your phone and called Bobby. He didn’t pick up, you weren’t surprised though, because he was such a heavy sleeper. 

Next you called Sam. After three rings he picked up. 

“Hello,” he said, sleep was deep in his voice. 

You couldn’t say anything. Suddenly you felt foolish. You could handle this, you’d find a way.

“Uh, never mind, sorry Sam.”

“_____ is that you?” There was a shuffle of covers, “Are you crying?”

“No…. its fine Sam, this was an accident, I’m fine,” you said.

“What’s wrong baby?” he asked. 

That just about killed you, you felt your throat burn, but you swallowed it down.

“Go back to bed ,” you said hollowly.

“You need to tell m—“ you hung up. 

He couldn’t help. No one could. They were probably states away. You made sure all the doors and windows were locked and fell asleep with your gun loaded on your nightstand. 

~ Sam’s POV ~

It was deep in the night when his phone rang. He let it ring for a moment, then he thought, ‘it might be _________.’ He picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

All he heard was a slight static in the background. He checked his caller ID and it was her alright. Maybe she accidently rolled over on her phone and called him. Then he heard a sniffle and that woke him up. 

“________ is that you?” He sat up in bed, “Are you crying?”

“No… its fine Sam, this was an accident, I’m fine,” she said, obviously in tears. 

“What’s wrong baby?” he asked. 

He was too worried and let that fateful word slip. Oh well, he would worry about it later. 

“Go back to bed,” she said without feeling. 

“You need to tell m-“she hung up. 

He tried calling her back multiple times, but eventually the phone was turned off. He shot out of bed, put the light on and started packing. This woke Dean up. 

“Sammy, what the hell,” he said sleepily. 

He explained the situation to Dean, he gave Sam a very a bored look. 

“She’s probably just in a fight with her boyfriend okay?”

“No, this was different, she sounded different. Dean you have to go with me on this. Okay?” 

Dean nodded and shuffled out of bed. He called Bobby until Bobby woke up.

“That don’t make a lick of sense,” Bobby said, “If the fight was bad enough she’d have left him, she don’t put up with bullshit, something must have happened.”

Soon they were all on their way to see her.

~

A day and a half later you were on the couch in front of the window in Bobby’s office. You had your head pressed against the head of the couch. You had zoned out since the incident. That must’ve been why you were so shocked by Dean snapping his fingers in your face.

“What’s up Squirt,” he said while laughing. 

That is until he saw your face. Apparently you bruise easily, and it showed all on your face. His eyes grew cold and his jaw clenched. 

“What happened?”

That’s when the floodgates opened. You didn’t mean to and the last thing you wanted was to look weak in front of someone, but it had been a traumatic night and a lonely couple of days. You just wanted someone to hold you. 

That was when Sam came in, striding past Dean. He froze and inhaled sharply when he saw your face, but he sat down across from you and cradled your face in his hands. 

“What happened?” Sam asked. 

You shook your head not wanting to say, you remembered what Dean and Sam had said about Alex and even though you thought you knew they wouldn’t, you didn’t want them to blame you. A hardened look came across Sam's face, but his eyes softened when spoke to you.

“Please tell me what happened.”

Bobby entered the room looking frantic, but Sam held up a hand stopping him.

You thought of all the time you spent with Alex. You thought of how he held your hand, and of how he’d always listened to you complain about your day, and all the times he made you laugh. Then you thought of hands curled up hitting you so hard it left marks, of hands that raced and teeth that bit your skin like vampires, but he was so very human. 

You didn’t realize you were shaking and whimpering, clutching to yourself, trying to hold it all in. You didn’t want to admit it, especially not to Sam. 

“I,” you began, “I was dumb, and Alex…he..”

“That boy you been seeing?” Bobby asked gruffly.

You nodded your head, you weren’t able to look Sam in the eyes. That is until he took his hand and placed it under your chin lifting your gaze to his. Your vision got blurry as a torrent of tears streamed from them. You tried to find a sentence that could explain it all quickly. 

“He said, there’s no way I didn’t want it.”

After you said that everything seemed to stop. Sam’s eyes showed confusion, understanding, then rage. You cried more, unable to stop it, but you had to tell them nothing happened.

“I… I’m fine though he didn’t… he didn’t… I got away.”

You stuttered, you didn’t know what to do, but tried to say that you were alright, that it could’ve been worse. Suddenly Sam grabbed you and hauled you onto his lap, he turned you and let you lie on his chest. Dean uttered a “Jesus fucking Christ,” Bobby was silent, but his hands were shaking and Sam just held you. He held you and whispered sweet things to you.

“Shhh, baby it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, I’ve got you, everything is going to be okay, because I’ve got you. I’m here,” it’s like he couldn’t stop talking.

After a time you calmed down, but you didn’t feel much better. You felt safer in Sam’s arms though. You felt him inhale and exhale while his arms circled you. They were strong and held you tightly. 

“I’m gonna kill him,” Sam said, quietly and calmly in your ear. You tensed in his grip.

“No,” you mumbled, as you buried your face in his neck. 

“Why are you protecting him… do you… you don’t love him, do you?” he asked you with barely controlled rage in his voice. 

“No, “ you continued to mumble, “I just don’t want anyone getting hurt because of me… it’s not worth it.”

“Listen, first of all, three experienced hunters against one civilian, I really don’t think I’m gonna get hurt and second of all, look at me,” 

You shook your head, and he nudged you gently.

“Come on baby girl,” he pleaded. 

You glanced up mostly in shock over the nicknames he kept calling you. He gave you a determined look. 

“You are worth it,” he said as he gave you a tired smile, and kissed your temple. 

All the while you heard Bobby and Dean curse and make an uproar in the other room. Sam huffed out a sigh of annoyance and suddenly he picked you up and walked to your room. You yelped in surprise and held tighter to him. 

“Sam, please, I’m too heavy, put me down.”

He let out a small laugh and said fondly, “you are not.”

He laid you on your bed, but you wouldn’t let go of his arms. You felt childish, but his presence was comforting. 

“Sorry,” you said meekly, slowly letting go of the jacket. 

“Do you want me to stay for a while?” he asked. 

You nodded your head. You didn’t want to say the wrong thing. 

He took off his shoes and jacket, and slipped under the covers with you. You didn’t know quite how to lay down, but Sam just held you in his arms and let your head rest on his chest. Slowly you began to relax. You heard his heartbeat and felt his arms around you. Before you could even fight it, you were asleep. Surprisingly you had no nightmares that night.

~ Sam’s POV ~ 

He held her in her bed. She was tucked against him, and held onto him like an anchor. He slipped from her grasp and checked the time. It was 9:30pm. Just enough time to go kick Alex’s ass and come back unnoticed. He went downstairs to see Dean and Bobby had waited for him. His eyes blazed, and silently he thanked Dean for waiting for him. His actions were smooth, cold, mechanical. Dean held out his hand. Sam looked at it questioningly. 

“You’re not bringing your gun.”

Sam didn’t even realize he was gripping his gun so tightly. He could easily tell Dean he wouldn’t use it, he could lie. But he already didn’t deserve her, he wasn’t going to add killer to the list. He handed it over to Dean, he was right. However Bobby was filling up his rifle. They stared at him.

“I ain’t handin this thing over to no one, that boy deserves what he gets.”

They drove down to where Bobby knew Alex lived and the fright in his eyes would stay with Sam, would fill him up with righteous happiness whenever he would think about it. He must’ve blacked out because the next thing he remembered was Dean pulling him off of a body that had a very bloody face. Sam threw Dean off of himself and grabbed Alex by the cuff of his shirt. His head lolled and he let out a pained groan. 

“If you even THINK about her again I swear I will come back and fucking kill you, do you understand?”

He said it slowly, quietly, with a calm head. If he yelled this at Alex then he might think this was rage induced. But if he was calm, then Alex would know that this feeling, to   
protect her was always swimming under his skin. A minute nod of the head was his answer. They drove back to Bobby’s, feeling unsatisfied, but knowing there was no other way that could have gone down. Sam changed his clothes and crawled back into bed with her. Bobby walked past the slightly open door and looked inside. He and Sam made eye contact and Bobby closed the door.   
‘Guess I have Bobby’s blessing,’ Sam thought. 

He curled his arms around her bringing her to his chest and heaved a sigh of relief that she was there with him. If she saw the wounds on his knuckles the next day, she didn’t ask what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warning is over


	8. Chapter 8

Sam and Deans next visit was much better. Although, it would’ve been nice to have been forewarned that they were coming. It was eight in the morning and you woke and decided to make breakfast for you and Bobby. In your pajamas, you got out the ingredients for pancakes and grabbed your iPod. You put on some music and started cooking. 

Obviously since the music was playing, and this song was your jam after all, your hips started to sway. A minute and a half later your full on dancing, having a good time, until you turn around and saw Sam standing in the doorway. He smirked at you. 

“Sam!” you yelped in surprise. 

You ran over to your iPod dock and turned the music down.

“What the hell, man?” you asked him.

“Don’t worry, it was cute, you didn’t look weird at all,” Sam said teasingly. 

“Well I’m glad I could be entertaining for you,” you said as your face burned,

You turned around to stir the batter. You heard Sam’s footsteps get closer, but you couldn’t turn to face him. You were so embarrassed. Then slowly his hands rested on the counter, his arms effectively holding you in a cage, and he pressed his body towards you. He rested his head on your shoulder. 

“whatchya makin?” he asked cheekily. 

You swallowed hard, his hips started moving with the music, moving your hips with them slowly.

“Shut up, you know what I’m making,” you teased lightly. 

Your hips moved in sync to the song lyrics, god you couldn’t even think of them right now. Sam was a warm presence surrounding you; you felt his stubble on your neck and his strong arms around you. His hard chest was pressed to you and you melted into him. You pushed back into him slightly and bared your neck in invitation and—

All of a sudden you heard a loud bang, which must’ve been the front door. Sam separated from you quickly as Dean entered the kitchen. You turned to greet him. 

“Hey, get your own shit out of the car, don’t need Baby smelling like your socks,” Sam groaned, but Dean ignored him. “Hey Squirt,” he said giving you a shit eating grin, “making breakfast huh?”

You shook your head, “yes Dean, now go and do something productive, and try not wake Bobby up okay? He likes to wake up on his own.” 

Dean gave you a salute and left. You looked over at Sam who was just staring at you.

“You better go get those socks Sam,” you said teasingly. He huffed and walked out.

~ Sam’s POV 

He was jittery to say the least. He hoped they were home, coming in for a visit they usually forewarned Bobby and _______. But this time Sam had opted out to not tell them. Dean snorted from the driver’s seat.

“Like you’re some fucking surprise,” Dean said with laughter in his voice.

He just shook his head and counted the minutes until he saw her. Once they arrived Sam raced out of the car, with Dean yelling behind him, “I guess I’ll get the bags then?”

He quietly entered the house in case you were sleeping, but upon hearing music he went to the kitchen to see her there in her pajamas dancing. She was wearing shorts that were far too short, and a baggy shirt that was… was that his? From so long ago? She must’ve found it and claimed it as her own. The sight of her wearing his clothes, even if she didn’t know it was enough to drive him crazy. He leaned against the doorway and watched her sway her hips and wondered when she’d notice him. Finally, during a spin she spotted him. 

“Sam!” she yelped. 

He let out a little laugh as she raced over to her iPod dock to lower the volume. 

“What the hell man?” she asked.

“Don’t worry, it was cute, you didn’t look weird at all,” he teased, he couldn’t help his smile.

“Well I’m glad I could be entertaining for you,” she said as she blushed. 

She turned her back to him and pretended to be busy. He was feeling playful and giddy, catching her during this moment. Slowly he rested his hands on the counter effectively caging her in his arms. Jesus she was still so small, maybe he was too big, but he liked the fact that he could protect her, cover her so securely. He rested his head on her shoulder, feeling so content in the moment. 

“Whatchya makin?” he asked lowly. 

He felt her swallow; he moved his hips along with the music when a softer song came on. Her hips had nothing to do, but follow his. 

“Shut up, you know what I’m making,” she teased him back. 

She was so soft in his arms, he could stay here forever. He breathed her in, a slight strawberry scent from her hair, maybe from yesterday’s shower? She bared her neck to him and it was so enticing he wanted nothing more than to press kisses to her neck, to make her breathe heavy, to feel her clutch at him, to –

All of a sudden there was a loud bang, which must’ve been the front door. He let go of her quickly, he wanted this moment for himself, it wasn’t for Dean’s eyes. 

“Hey, get your own shit out of the car, don’t need Baby smelling like your socks,” Dean said. 

He groaned softly, yeah he was super smooth. He heard the banter between Dean and her for moment and Dean left. He didn’t pay much attention, he was too busy wondering how, and if he could get back to his previous position with her in his arms. 

“You better go get those socks Sam,” she said smiling.

He huffed good naturedly and walked out. 

~

All too soon their visit came to an end. They were packing up the impala and you made your way down the drive to say goodbye. 

“So you guys are headed off huh?” 

“Come one Squirt with me and Sammy gone you basically got the whole house to yourself. Throw a kegger,” he shoved the last bag of his in the trunk, turned and waggled his eyebrows at you. You laughed and hugged him and told him to be safe. Once you let go he turned to Sam who nodded back toward the impala. Dean rolled his eyes and climbed into the car. 

Sam looked to you then he looked away and cleared his throat. He pulled a wrapped box out of his duffle bag and handed it to you. 

“Happy Birthday,” he said, “sorry I’m a little late, but better late than never right?”

You smiled at him and unwrapped the box. It contained an anti-possession necklace, “until you get your tattoo,” he supplied. You also received a book, one about Djinn. You hugged him and uttered a thank you into his shoulder. He grinned and put his arms around you. After a few moments he teasingly said, 

“What? No kiss this year? I feel cheated.”

You laughed and rolled your eyes although it made you blush. You lifted yourself up onto your tip toes and brushed your lips against his cheek. Once you were done you were going to move away, but he never gave you the chance. He turned his head so your lips were close, and he grabbed your shoulders so you couldn’t move.

“Can I kiss you?” he asked. 

Your mouth gaped for a moment before you nodded, and you felt his lips hesitantly press against your as if asking for permission. You were stunned. This was it, the moment you had waited for. His lips were dry, but not chapped and the feeling you had of him underneath your hands was amazing. He pulled away after a few moments and grinned at you. You stared at him with a bewildered expression. Your hands grasped the collar of his shirt, as you pulled him down for a more forceful kiss. His taste was amazing, and his hands on your hips were so strong. Right when he licked your lips, there was a horn blaring. You separated from Sam quickly, being startled. You and Sam were both breathing heavily; you smiled, waved, and walked away.

~Sam’s POV ~

“So you guys headed off huh?” she asked. 

He was nervous. And kicking himself. Everything in him was screaming at him to ask her to come with them. But that wasn’t the kind of life she needed. He saw Dean and her hug, and rolled his eyes as Dean waggled his brows at him. Dude seriously needed a new signature move in making fun of him. Sam nodded Dean to the car, and Dean was now the one to roll his eyes. He was nervous and this would be easier with Dean not fucking staring at him, so sue him. He pulled the battered looking gift out of his bag and cringed.   
He probably should have re-wrapped it. 

“Happy Birthday,” he persisted, “sorry I’m little late, but better late than never right?”

She smiled at him and unwrapped the gift. Smiles were good. She pulled out the necklace, “until you get your tattoo,” he supplied and she pulled out the book, which was self-explanatory. She immediately hugged him and he smiled. Before he could think of not saying it he blurted out:

“What? No kiss this year? I feel cheated.” 

His face burned. He felt like an asshole. He wasn’t giving her gifts just to get something out of it. But she laughed. She kissed his cheek again this time, and his body just took control. He turned his head, looking into her eyes. He grasped her shoulders, just enough so she would know he wanted her this close. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asked, his voice lower than before.

He waited a moment, and right before he gave up, she nodded quickly. The kiss was soft, and short. He didn’t want to press his luck. He already had the feeling of her close to him, which would leave his hands tingling for days to come. He smiled at her, while she looked at him so questioningly. Her hands grasped his collar and she forcefully kissed him like she did all those years ago in the library. It was harsh and lovely, and everything he craved for. Right when he went in for a taste, the car horn blared. She ripped herself from him, being startled. She cleared her throat, waved and walked off. He was going to kick Dean’s ass.


	9. Chapter 9

Bobby’s death hit you hard. He was like a father to you. After you Sam and Dean mourned for a couple days they were off. You wanted to go with them desperately, but you couldn’t find it in you to ask. You felt like you would just be a burden. So with a heavy heart you watched them go. You were directionless for a while, just moping from your car to the hotel room you had to get. You cleaned out Bobby’s house salvaging what you could, phones, photos, books. You just laid in bed after that, contemplating your next move. 

That is until the calls started coming in. Hunters that were looking for information on lore and such. At first you didn’t know what to do, and then you found that over the years with Bobby as your teacher you had accumulated a vast amount of knowledge.

After a time you found you couldn’t just stay at this hotel and going to what was left of Bobby’s house every day. It all reminded you of Bobby, his eye roll, the way he still called you kiddo. You remember when you got sick and you laughed at his gruffness when Bobby told you under no circumstances were to get off the couch. 

Also, and you felt guilty for even thinking this but memories of you and Sam ran through your head wherever your looked. The office is where you first kissed him. You use to joke with him in the kitchen and aggravate Dean in the junkyard. 

So you filled your car to the brim with all your remaining books and all the stuff from Bobby’s house that wasn’t destroyed and drove off. You drove until you found a warm sunny beach on the edge of California. You felt you were owed a vacation. 

~

You mostly stayed at your little apartment near the beach. Once and again you would travel to go help hunters but usually you just consulted over the phone. You always enjoyed waking up to the sun, the arid temperatures and the smell of the ocean water wafting through your windows. You thought of Dean and Sam and wondered where they were. You missed them desperately, but knew what they were doing, whatever they were doing was very important. 

You woke up one morning determined to just laze around the beach. You laid your towel down and felt the sand move beneath your back. You hadn’t received any calls yesterday or this morning so you thought you’d be safe. You had just sat down and slipped some sunglasses on your face when you felt your phone buzz. You sighed,

“This job is never done.”

You looked down and saw a message from Sam. After all this time he made your heart flutter. You wondered when that was going to end. It was a picture message of Sam and Dean clinking beers and said, “Happy Birthday.” 

You smiled widely and replied with a thank you and inquired how things were going. That’s when the phone started to ring. 

“Hey its Sam.” 

“Yeah I figured.”

“Happy birthday Squirt!” you heard in the background from Dean. 

“So I hear you’re the girl to call if you need info on a case.”

You snorted, but said, “Yeah I guess.”

“Ya know, Dean and I, we have a library….its huge…. Full of ancient texts and really obscure books.”

“That’s awesome Sam.”

“Yeah, yeah,… would you maybe, I mean only if you want. I don’t want to be a inconvenience, but you could come by, maybe broaden your horizon about lore and stuff.”

Your breath stopped. If someone asked you, you’d like to say that you took your time making the decision, weighing the pros and cons. But in reality Sam Winchester asked you to come see him and you knew you couldn’t say no. 

~ Sam’s POV ~

“Dude this is stupid,” Dean said. 

“Come one she’ll love it,” he said.

Dean sighed, but he took the damn picture. Sam sent it and waited nervously for a reply. ‘Come on,’ he thought, ‘come on that girl loves her phone I know she got it—‘  
His phone buzzed and he immediately picked it up. It was full of pleasantries and Sam realized that he needed to hear her voice. He went to his room in the bunker and called her. He wasn’t sure if she would pick up. It had been about a year a half since your last kiss. Sam hadn’t asked her to come with them after Bobby died. He desperately wanted to, but he couldn’t just drag her around the country. Especially with them, who were basically death magnets, but now they had the bunker. They had stability, at least a little bit of it. She could research all day, to her hearts content and he could come home to her. He shook his head trying to dispel all the fantasies he had of her living at the bunker. He dialed her number and she picked up on the second ring. That was good right?

“Hey it’s Sam.” 

“Yeah, I figured,” she said. 

“Happy birthday squirt!” Dean shouted from Sam’s door. He rolled his eyes and shut the door on Dean’s face. 

“So I hear you’re the girl to call if you need info on a case.” 

God, could he be any more lame.

She snorted, “Yeah I guess.”

“Ya know,” he branched off, “Dean and I, we have a library…it’s huge…. Full of ancient texts and really obscure books.”

“That’s awesome Sam.”

Damn, he thought the library would be a big enough draw. 

“Yeah, yeah….” He’d have to find the courage, “would you maybe, I mean only if you want. I don’t want to be an inconvenience, but you could come by, maybe broaden your   
horizon about lore and stuff.”

She was silent for a moment. Enough time for him to freak out. Of course she doesn’t want to see you. Not after the way you left her when Bobby died. Not after –

“Send me an address and I’ll be there.”

He sighed out of relief. Maybe he hadn’t lost her yet.

~

You pulled up to Sam and Dean standing in front of what looked like a door to a basement storage center. You got out of the car and Dean walked up to you. 

“Hey Squirt, looks like you got some sun,” he hugged you.

“Yeah I grew up too, so uh knock it off with the Squirt stuff?” you asked good naturedly.

“Never,” he teased, “it’s good to have you back.”

“Good to be back.”

You felt tears in your eyes well up.

“Are you crying Squirt?”

“Shut up Dean, I missed you guys, “you said not letting go.

You heard Sam clear his throat behind Dean; you laughed a little and went to hug Sam. Not to be melodramatic, but after all this time it was still perfect. You loved how tall and big he was in comparison to you. It made you feel safe. Sam didn’t say anything, but he didn’t let you go for a bit and he held you tightly. 

~ 

Life in the Bunker was a lot like life at Bobby’s in some aspects. Mostly you just researched, even if there wasn’t a case. You had your own room and did most of the household chores. There were two main differences, for one thing the library was enormous, you actually squealed when you saw it. And secondly, the boys were around more often than not, so you weren’t really alone. 

You adored your time traveling and helping other hunters and lounging on the beach, but what you wanted, what you really craved was a home. And that’s what you had here. No one said anything officially but Dean and Sam had given you a room which over time, you filled up. Additionally every time you left to get a drink, or go for a supplies run Sam or Dean would stop you and ask if you were coming back, how long you were going to be gone. You’d always reply in the same way and tell them, “I’ll keep being here as long as you need me.”

They both would nod, like they approved of what you said and let you be on your way. Until one day you were leaving to go get some shopping done and Sam stopped you.

“Are you leaving?”

“Yeah, going to get some shopping done Sam.”

“You’re coming back right?”

“Sam I’ll be here as long as you –“ you were cut off.

“I don’t need you.”

You stared at him, not really knowing what to say, just knowing that you were hurt.

“No, that’s not…. That’s not what I meant, what I meant was… I don’t need you for anything. You’re not a tool Dean and use. I want you here. Okay?”

You smiled, relieved. “Thank you Sam… I’m gonna go shopping now okay?”

He nodded to you and watched you walk out of the bunker. 

~

It was a quiet day in the Bunker, they boys were in between cases, you and Sam were in the library researching and Dean was somewhere nearby you were sure. You inquired about his presence to Sam. ‘

“He’s in the garage tinkering with his cars, where else,” he said with a slight grin. 

You smiled in acknowledgement and stretch your arms above your head. Then you took off your glasses and took your leave of Sam, telling him you were going to find Dean. You decided to make some lemonade and a cold cut sandwich for him, since he probably forgot to eat. It sounded weird to say Dean would forget to eat, but he only did that when he was fixing cars, his mind would wander and he come back in starving. 

You entered the garage and heard his music playing. It made you smile, he was consistent if nothing else. You saw Dean buried in the hood of his car, so you stood there waiting until he resurfaced, you didn’t want to startle him and make him hit his head. 

“You better stop checking me out, Sammy’s gonna get jealous,” Dean said without looking up. 

You rolled your eyes and walked over to him. His eyes instantly traveled to the food you brought and you smirked. 

“You know I always come bearing food and you always prove to me that you don’t deserve it,” you said as you offered him the food.

“God you’re amazing thank you,” he said with a mouth full of food. 

You smiled and patted his arm. You turned to leave when he grabbed your arm then gestured for you to sit next to him. 

“So, how’re you liking it here?”

“I love it,” you told him as you smiled. 

“Good… you know Squirt this could be like your home,” he told you.

He took another giant bite and was noticeably not looking at you. You could tell he was uncomfortable, but you knew he felt the need to say something.

“I’d like that,” you told him.

“Hell, you’re family to us, to me. No matter what happens I swear this is your home.”

“What do you, whatever happens?” you asked him confusedly. 

He took a moment to study you then he adopted a sly grin.

“You know who else loves that you’re here?”

“Dean,” you started as he drank some lemonade, “when are you gonna stop making fun of me?”

“When it stops being funny.”

“Well it’s not funny.”

He noticed your expression fell and put his sandwich down. 

“Hey,” he said taking you in his arms for a friendly hug,” you know I only make fun of it, cause I know you and Sammy are gonna happen eventually right?” 

“Dean its not funny anymore,” you spoke into his shoulder.

“I’m not laughing,” he said letting you go, but keeping his hands on your arms, “You got to know, there’s no way you can’t know completely gone he is over you.”

“Dean.”

“Seriously every time you come into a room he’s like a dog that’s so excited he’s gonna piss himself.”

“And if nothing ever happens? Or if something happens and it goes bad? I would still be welcome here? Is that what your trying to say?”

“Hey,” he began, as he took a stronger grip on your arms, “no matter what, and I mean no matter what, this is your home. We’re family.”

You teared up and gave him a hug which he reciprocated. You never had a brother, but if you did you imagined this is what is would be like. After a few moments you heard footsteps enter the garage.

“Hey guys, what’s up,” Sam inquired. 

“Just hugging my future wife, Sammy,” Dean teased. 

“I’ll let you guys talk about whatever case Sam has,” you said as you hit Dean’s chest then walked back to the library. Sam smiled at you and waved. 

~Sam’s POV~

He watched her walk away, his eyes glued to her retreating figure. Once the door was closed he began to walk toward Dean. 

“You know,” Dean began, “in some cultures, bringing food to someone is a sign of like courtship or some shit,” he finished, a piece of turkey hanging from his lips. 

Sam was silently giving Dean a bitch face. 

“Calm down Romeo, everything is strictly PG when it comes to me and her.”

“I know,” Sam said as his shoulders slumped, “but someday it’s gonna be someone.”

“Could be you,” Dean said simply. 

Sam shook his head and leaned against the wall.

“She deserves better.”

“Yeah she does,” Dean agreed with a slight smile, “but she wants you.”

“She wanted me when she was seventeen, it’s been years.”

“Whatever dude, you’ll see eventually, “ Dean said going back to his engine, “well you better go now, she came in here to tell me she’s going out to the bar tonight.”

Sam’s eyes grew to the size of dinner plates and he hurried after her. 

Dean shook his head after him, but Sam didn’t see it. He wouldn’t find out until later that she wasn’t planning on going anywhere. He was going to have to seriously kick Dean’s ass for baiting him.

~ Sam's POV ~

Having her at the Bunker was a Godsend and a curse. He couldn’t remember the last time when he’d been so happy. He made his way to the library and a smile danced across his face as he remembered the first morning where he had woken up in the bunker with her in it. 

She looked soft and sleepy with a tank top on and shorts that he deemed entirely too short if another man was going to see her in them. She was pattering her feet on the linoleum of the kitchen floor, her shorts were riding dangerously low on her hips and he was craving to press his fingertips those inviting hips. He remembered how she turned to him, her eyes were still half closed and she gave him a soft smile. He smiled at her and then she padded over to him. She didn’t hug him as much as she folded her arms into her chest and pressed herself into his chest. He slung his arms around her and pulled her impossible close to himself. Neither one wanted to break the self-imposed silence. After a long moment she tried to wriggle out of his grasp. He held her tighter and chuckled when a distressed noise escaped from her throat. 

“Sam,” she grumbled with sleep in her voice, “coffee.”

He held her for another moment before he let her go. She pushed his arms away from her dramatically, yet in a playful manner and went to collect her precious coffee.  
Times like that were good, but life with her was still trying, She look so inviting so appealing, that it was difficult to restrain himself. But he knew he had to, he didn’t deserve her. Sometimes his hands should shake from the sheer restraint he had to use around her, but it was worth it. 

The best times were when Sean was doing something, like fixing one of the cars and it was just the two of them. Sometimes they were alone in the library and she’d put on her glasses and her concentrations face. He recorded all of these behaviors from her with the utmost care. Like when she read something that she didn’t immediately understand she would furrow her brows together and a little wrinkle would appear on her face until she worked out the problem. Or how the more interested she was in a book the closer her face would get to said book. Sometimes he would have to go over to her, take her shoulders in his hands and straighten out her back.

He should have known the utterly peacefulness of the situation couldn’t have lasted forever. He knew he’d mess up somehow and that happened on a day when the heater broke. Of course this had to happen on a cold winter day. Sam was coming down to the library when he saw her. She was wearing regular shorts with a tank top on. He looked at her bewildered for a moment before commenting.

“What they don’t sell sweaters where you came from?”

“Since I was in California I really didn’t see a need. Now I’m freezing.”

He stared at her shivering, goose bumps ghosting up her arms and across her thighs. He licked his lips. He had visions of him wrapping her up in his arms played out in his mind. It was like he was on auto pilot, as he began walking toward her. He stood right beside her bent over figure until she straightened and turned to him with a questioning look in her eyes. He cleared his throat and silently took off his flannel over shirt. She cocked an eyebrow at him until she realized he was going to drape it over her shoulders. 

“You looked cold,” was all he said.

“Thank you,” she said, gripping it to her shoulders.

He smiled tightly at her and walked over to find a book.

A few minutes later he looked up from his book and his mouth salivated. He should have realized the implications of giving her an article of his clothing. In a world where he could pretend he wasn’t Sam Winchester he could also pretend that she was his. That his sweater on her was a sign that she belonged to him. That he could put marks on her, that he could pull her into his arms whenever he wanted. That he could breathe her in, watch her sleep, make her laugh, in short everything that he wanted to do.   
But this was not that universe, in this universe he was Sam Winchester. He was an abomination; he was a failed experiment of an evil being. And she, she was pure, she was lightness, she was everything good in this world. She was what angels were supposed to be. 

A reoccurring thought tried to nestle in his brain.

‘She knows. She knows what you’ve done, how toxic you are and she said she didn’t care. She said she loved you.’

‘Yeah, past tense,’ he internally fought himself, ‘that was years ago, I doubt she even remembers, let alone feels the same way.’

“You sure are thinking hard over there,” she told him without looking up from her book. 

“How can you tell?”

She smiled and walked over to him and grabbed his book. She showed him the front of it and only then did he notice his error. 

“Your book has been upside down for a half hour.”

He blinked rapidly then silently berated himself for being so careless.

“Come on,” she beckoned him to the sofa, “you need to talk to someone."

He gulped and was sure fear was in his eyes. Yes, he needed to talk, but she was the problem. No, not a problem, she was innocent, it was his fault. He should have said no, he should have pulled away, but when she grabbed his hand he had little power to do anything else, but walk with her to the sofa. They sat down, close to each other, but he would have preferred her closer. Possibly have her on his lap, much like that night at Bobby’s house. She snapped her fingers in front of his face. 

“What?” he asked feeling dazed. 

“I said, what’s on your mind, but you were spaced out or something.”

He smiled at her and shook his head.

“Sam what’s wrong? You know you can talk to me.”

“Not about this.”

Her face crumpled and he couldn’t stand it. 

“No,” he grabbed her hand and laced his fingers in hers, “it’s not like that, and it’s not anything bad it’s just… I want something; I want something so bad that sometimes I can’t breathe.”

“You want something?” she asked hesitantly. 

“Yes.” 

“But you can’t tell me what it is that you want?”

“No.”

She took a deep breath.

“I’m only bringing this up because I care about you,” his heart sang, “it’s not demon blood is it?” 

His heart plummeted. Of course, of fucking course. He could never have her, that statement alone proved he didn’t deserve her. All she probably saw when she looked at him was an ex junkie. He let go of her hand. 

“No, it’s not that,” he said hollowly.

She made a distressed sound, and then she knelt between his legs so she could look at his downward face. She took his hands in her and gave him a serious look. He was caught off guard with her so close to him, especially with her in such a compromising position.

“I’m sorry Sam,” she said, “it’s just that you’re being so secretive and cryptic, the last time you were like that…” she trailed off, “I just worry about you,” she finished. 

He nodded and squeezed her hands. 

“Everything is fine. I just want something and I can’t have it.” 

“Why not?” she asked. 

“Because of what I am.”

“And what are you?” 

“I’m an abomination,” he let out, “an ex junkie, a lair. I’ve done things, things that would make you cringe, things that would make you second guess holding my hands-“

“Stop,” she cut him off quietly, not looking at him. 

He furrowed his brow. She stood up and climbed in his lap. She put her hands on his shoulders and leaned back Christ she felt perfect. Before he could stop himself he rested his hands on her thighs. He breathed her in, felt how soft she was under his fingers, and then he looked at her face, which had become stony. 

“Samuel Winchester,” she began, “you’re not innocent.”

He looked at her confused. Did she climb in his lap just to agree with him? 

“You’re not innocent,” she repeated, “you made bad choices, you didn’t listen, you lied to Dean… you lied to me,” she inhaled shakily, “You’ve done things I’ll never understand   
and you’ve hurt people, me, on more than one occasion.” 

A film of tears wore over his eyes. He hung his head. Guilt swam through him. This confirmed it, he was now here near good enough for her. Her hands moved from his shoulders, up his neck, to cradle his face in her hands. She lifted his face so they could make eye contact. 

“In spite of all that Sam, you fight. You fight the bad guys, you fight the monsters, you fight the addiction. You fight and you try to be a better person. Sam,” he shook his head, “ you’re a protector. You protect your bother every day, and you protect me, “his hands clenched around her thighs, “yes, you protect me, remember Alex?”

He gripped her thighs tighter in surprise that she would mention him. 

“Don’t think I don’t know what did to him for me,”

“Don’t even bring him up,” he spit out.

“Regardless Sam, you are my protector… look at today, you protected me from the cold,” she giggled and that sound made him smile.

She grabbed his hands then put them together so she could hold them in hers. He looked down at where their hands were joined and Jesus, her hands were little, they hardly covered his own. His girl trying to cheer him up. 

“There’s nothing you’ve done that you haven’t been forgiven for. That’s why I’ll never let go of your hands.” 

His throat was tight and he didn’t know what to say. She rested her forehead against him. 

“You deserve everything you want,” she said. 

He couldn’t take it anymore. His hands slipped from her and wrapped around her waist, their chests colliding, her face in his neck, his face in her hair. He breathed her in and   
held her tighter. He rocked back and forth without meaning to. 

“Sam, calm down, you’re shaking.”

He buried his face in her shoulder, and mumbled. 

“You are the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He felt her smile as she kissed his temple. 

“Sam, what’s bothering you? You’re still shaking.” 

It was like a dam burst. He didn’t know why but words just started to fall from his mouth. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he began frantically. 

“Sam what are you sorry for?”

“I hurt you,” he spoke with his forehead on her shoulder; he couldn’t bear to look at her. 

“Sam-“

“You told me not to listen to Ruby and I did.”

The moment he said Ruby’s name he felt her tense up. That made it all the worse, that tensed grip meant that she was still hurt.

“I was horrible to you, I chose her, I didn’t put you first and I just don’t know what to do. Every time I see you I see all the mistakes I’ve made I see all the ways I’ve hurt you, and   
I’m so selfish because I know it would be better for you if I wasn’t so… close to you. But that’s me, just so selfish and bad for you and-“

“Sam stop it.”

He pursed his lips. He finally made her see sense and any second now she would free herself from his grasp, walk away and drive into the sun, away from his darkness. He couldn’t help but grip her tighter. 

“Sam I’m not going anywhere you don’t need to squeeze me so hard.”

He was breathing heavily and he didn’t lessen his grip. 

“I’m not going anywhere Sam, you want me to absolve you of things that you’re already forgiven for.”

“But Ruby-“

“What about her? Yes, I hate her. I hate that she had control over you, I hate that she was manipulating you and yes at the time I hated that you couldn’t see it. I resented you, I resented that you went with her, willingly blinding yourself to the totally utterly wrongness of it all. But she’s gone, in the end you made the right decision, in the end you were the Sam I always knew you to be. And now she’s gone and she’s never coming back. Even if she did, I know you’d make better choices this time around, I know… I know you wouldn’t abandon Dean and….me for her.”

He tried to pull her impossibly closer, trying to tell her with his actions that she was right. She took his face in her hands and titled it so he had no choice but to look at her.

“Do you want me to leave?” 

Flames licked at his throat, he nodded softly twice because he thought it would be better for her. But his primal instincts kicked in and he couldn’t help it as he shook his head.   
There was no way he wanted her to leave. 

“Good because I’m not going anywhere.” 

He took a big shuddering breath and stroked her cheekbone with his thumb.

“I just want you to know,” he croaked out, “that I’m sorry and that… I don’t know what I would do or where I would be without you and that…. I’ll always chose you.” 

She smiled softly at him. She released herself from his grip then took his hand. 

“Come on you look drained.”

She led him to his room and ushered him inside. 

“It’s only eight,” he told her. 

“Sam you look so drained, at least go lay down for a while.” 

“I bet your just trying to get rid of me, sick of my nonsense for the day huh?” he teased lightly, she was right he did feel ragged. 

“You know it,” she teased back. 

“How do I know this isn’t your devious plan to escape while I sleep?” he asked in a teasing manner, but inside he realized it was a legitimate fear. 

Her eyes searched his face for a moment, clearly taking the joke at more than face value. She took his hand without a word and led him in his room. 

“What are you doing?” he asked quietly. 

He watched her remove her shorts, the over shirt he lent her went halfway down her thighs. She was blushing but she preserved and got underneath his covers. He stared at her bewildered for a moment as he watched her snuggle under his blankets and softly close her eyes. 

“Come to bed Sam,” she ordered softly. 

He froze for a moment; the picture he was looking at was like God granted him a real life fantasy. Then his body went on auto pilot again, as he shucked his jeans off, leaving him in his undershirt and a pair of briefs. He crawled under the covers with her and his arms around her and rested one of his calves between hers. He nuzzled the back of her neck, leaving dry chaste kisses across her neck. She pushed back into his chest lightly and he felt her relax into him. His eyes grew heavy and he fell asleep with her in his arms, calmed by the proof that she wasn’t going to leave.

~

You woke up the day of Sam’s birthday with a smile. You had the perfect gift. After making pancakes for breakfast, you, Sam and Dean went off in different directions to do your own thing. Just because there was a birthday didn’t mean you had nothing to do. You began to restack and reorganize certain books in the library per your and Sam’s request. Dean didn’t care much. While you were shelving books humming, Sam walked up to you.

“Happy birthday,” you told him smiling.

He smiled at you and rubbed the back of his neck. “So how are you liking it here?”

“It’s really great Sam.”

“You know you can stay here as long as you want.”

“Thank you, but I feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”

“I know I just… I want this place to feel like home to you, ya know?”

“It does,” you said.

“That’s good,” he said, rubbing his hand on his jeans.

“Sooo,” you drawled out, “do you want your gift?”

He smiled, looked down at the floor and nodded. You grabbed the package off the chair and handed it to him. He opened it up and inspected it.

“Gloves, for…?”

“They’re special gloves made of dragon scales, that means when you’re sorting through things in the bunker you can feel safe, no curse or anything can penetrate them.” You said smiling. 

“This is amazing,” he said with a smile. 

“Thanks, you know you’re not an easy man to shop for.”

He laughed a little and came closer to you. 

“Must be why I didn’t get what I really wanted.”

You gave him a puzzled and somewhat offended look. Then he came up close to you and put his hands on your hips. He pushed you back into the wall, slowly but with force and kissed you fiercely. Little moans and whimpers escaped you as you put your hands on his shoulders. As every kiss you had with him it was hungry and unexpected. His hands moved a little hurriedly down your waist to your thighs. You moved one of your hands from his shoulder to his chest and tried to deepen the kiss as much as you could. His tongue licked your lips and you let him in instantly wanting to taste him. He pushed you harder into the wall with his thighs and suddenly you were grinding your hips into his.

“Sam come on birthday boy, we got us a case!” Dean shouted through the bunker, unaware of what was happening. 

All too soon he pulled away.

“Happy Birthday to me,” he told you, then walked away.

You stayed there against the wall breathing heavily for a few moments. Only one thought crossed your mind.

‘What the fuck am I supposed to do now?’


	10. Chapter 10

Things didn’t progress as you’d hoped with you and Sam. It seems there was always a hunt, or Dean was always in the room with the both of you. You shared glances and sometimes lingering touches, but that was it. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t excited for your birthday. Sam usually got the courage to talk about whatever was between the two of you near your birthday. At least you were excited a week ago. But Sam and Dean went on a hunt last week and haven’t been back since. You sighed and fell asleep relatively early. ‘What’s the point of staying up late, if no one’s here with me,’ you thought. 

~ Sam’s POV ~

“Come on Dean lets go,” he said hurriedly. 

“Dude you got your shower, I can’t go anywhere until I get the guts outta my hair, what’s your rush anyway?”

“It’s _______ birthday and I wanna be there with her.”

Dean looked confused for a moment, then a realization dawned on him, “Oh my god, you’re going back early for birthday sex.”

“No, I just, I just want to—,” Sam flushed.

“Yeah, yeah save it for someone who’ll believe you Romeo. Here take the car, I’ll get a rental tomorrow.”

“Thanks Dean,” he said as he caught the keys and was walked out,

“Yeah thanks Dean! Its about time Sammy Boy.”

~   
You woke up warm. Warmer than you thought you’d be since all you were wearing was some cotton shorts and an old tee shirt. You shifted a bit then felt a pressure push on your ribs. You furrowed your brow in confusion then opened your eyes. You saw an arm curled around you and felt breath on your neck. You recognized it as Sam’s arm, but still you tensed up. 

“Relax it’s only me,” Sam said. 

You melted into his grip. 

“How’d the hunt go?” you asked the darkness. 

“It just ended, I drove back as fast as I could.”

“It’s not my birthday anymore,” you said teasing him. 

“It’s only ten we have time.”

‘Time for what,’ you wanted to ask him, but you only hummed in acknowledgement, not wanting to ruin the moment. He was breathing slightly heavy behind you while his hand went from being curled around you to spanning your body from your rib to your thigh. You didn’t really know what was about to happen all you knew was that you were willing to take whatever Sam was willing to give you. You felt lips on your neck, dry chaste kisses that had you shivering. You tilted your head in an attempt to give him more skin to cover. You could feel his smile. 

His hand gingerly makes its way under your shirt, fingers graze your bare stomach, then just the bottom of your breast. You whimpered as you felt his hardness grinding into you. You breathed heavily for a moment before you turned and kissed Sam. It was messy and beautiful, pent up feelings after years of denial. Your hand spanned down his chest, to his abs, and you slipped your hand under the waistline of his pants. He took a sharp inhale as you grasped him fully. You pumped him from the base to the head a couple of times. 

‘Jesus,’ you thought, ‘boy’s proportional.’ 

You pulled his pants and boxers down just enough to free his cock. You pressed suckling kisses to his thighs and right below his hip bones leaving marks. 

‘Just marking what should be mine.’ 

You felt a slight pressure on the back of your head, like he wanted to grab you by the hair, but he was restraining himself. He ended up in an awkward state of petting your hair.

“Baby…please,” he said, his eyes not straying from you.

You giggled a bit, and found a bit of precum was on the head of his cock. You grasped him by the base and licked it off, tasting him. Once he saw that he groaned and closed his eyes. You took pity on him, and took him in your mouth. You swirled your tongue around the head for a moment and then you sucked just the tip. You saw his fists clenching and unclenching by his hips. You took more of him in, until the head of his cock was pressed against the back of your throat. You swallowed once, heard him groan and then you started bobbing up and down. You took what you couldn’t fit in your mouth, in your hand. The feeling of having him in your mouth was amazing. The power you had over him, the minute way you moved your tongue that caused him to moan or twitch was all up to you. Then you heard him speak.

“Baby…baby stop, please.”

“Was I not doing it right?” you looked at him horrified for a second.

He laughed, albeit a bit forcefully, and said, “No, babe, its good, its good… I’m just not gonna last if you keep doing that.”

Understanding flooded you, as did embarrassment. He laughed again, and kissed you gently. He got up from the bed and took his pants and shirt off, taking a condom from his pocket and putting it on your nightstand. You blushed, looking at the floor. 

“Should… should I?” you asked fumbling with the hem of your shirt. 

He smiled at you, and crawled onto the bed, in between your legs and put his fingers in the waistline of your shorts.

“Yeah baby, come on, take it off for me.”

You were blushing like mad, and you bit the inside of your cheek. You had never been this far with anyone, but you always hoped it would be Sam. You took your shirt off as he slid your pants and panties down your legs. Completely naked you foolishly tried to cover yourself when Sam took both your hands in one of his and held them above your head. 

“No, don’t do that,” he said tweaking one of your nipples between his fingers, “not when I finally have you, not when you look so beautiful.”

He took your other nipple in his mouth and sucked on it, and nibbled on it, until you were a writhing mess beneath him. 

“Please,” you whimpered, “Please, I need…” you said, although you didn’t really know what you needed, all you knew was that you needed him.

He smiled smugly at you, and let go of your hands. He trailed sloppy kisses down your body until he reached your entrance. 

“I know what you need baby,” he said before he took your clit in his mouth. A strangled sound escaped from you and your back arched. Your fists clenched at the sheets out of a loss of what to do. He took two fingers and pushed them inside, opening you up. You felt full, but you knew he had more to give you. You grinded your hips against his hand and his mouth, one of your hands fell to his hair and you wanted to tug on it. After a while of bringing you teasingly closer you couldn’t take it anymore. 

“Sam, please, please, I’m ready,” 

He sucked harder on your clit before he answered. 

“Baby, I’m bigger than two fingers,” he said.

“Please, I don’t care I need you now,”

His head dropped to your stomach for a moment and he groaned. He grabbed the condom and slipped it on. He rubbed his cock over your entrance to get some of your juices on it. He grabbed your hand and held it in his. 

“You tell me if I need to stop or slow down okay?” 

You nodded quickly and felt him push inside you, slowly, but in one thrust he bottomed out. 

“Fuck,” he breathed out harshly. 

He kissed you then, waiting for you get use to his size. It was amazing, you never felt so full. You stopped kissing him once you felt the stretch begin to lessen. You nodded your head to him and he began to thrust into you. Needy whimpers and sounds escaped you, but you didn’t know how to make them stop. You wrapped your legs around his waist and crossed your legs so you could meet him thrust for thrust. It felt amazing, to be so full, but handled with such care. Although you could have done with less care. 

“Harder,” you pleaded, “please.”

You saw stars when he began to thrust harder, he started to hit this spot in you that just had to be hit. His thumb came down on your clit and started to rub it in time with his thrusts. Your nails were digging into his shoulders, running red lines down his back. You felt yourself about to reach your climax when you heard Sam’s voice rumble in your ear, 

“Come on baby, give it up for me.”

Your back arched, your hands gripped his arms and you came powerfully. You heard Sam groan and as you came down and you felt him throb inside you. You both laid there for a couple of minutes, trying to catch your breath, and held each other. Then Sam moved to get off of you and took the condom off. You hurried to the bathroom and put on your shirt—Sam’s shirt, and a pair of panties. You looked at yourself in the mirror. Your hair rumpled, and your cheeks were flushed.

You exited the bathroom and went to lay on the bed while Sam was still gathering his clothes. You lay back sated, the high still in you, but decreasing every second. At least you got to have him, however long he had let you. You felt soreness between your thighs, a good one and sighed quietly. You turned away from him and felt that burn in your throat. You wouldn’t ruin this moment by crying. You knew he was going to leave, just as he always did. But you want to keep this moment pure so it can keep you warm on nights when Sam wasn’t here. You realized that every night would be that night, so you didn’t want to screw it up now. You’ll be good, Sam doesn’t ever have to know that he’s broken you and you can cry when he leaves. Except then he wasn’t leaving. You felt the bed dip and his arm slipped around you and you felt his leg snake between yours. He moved around a bit vying for a more comfortable position with you. That was when you snapped. 

“Sam,” your voice broke a little. 

The burn in your throat was now a full-fledged fire and tears began falling. 

‘Stupid traitorous body,’ you thought bitterly, ‘can’t even wait till he leaves.’ 

You felt Sam shift beside you, he propped his head on his one hand and ran his other hand up and down the side of your body.

“What’s wrong baby,” he asked quietly. 

“Sam…I…I,” 

“Hey, look at me,” he asks gently. 

You shook your head and buried yourself deeper into your pillow.

“What’s wrong, tell me,” he said, his hand clenched your hip.

“Aren’t you… if you’re going to go, now would be a good time…Dean is probably asleep.”

He was silent for a moment. 

“Are you kicking me out?”

“Sam I’m sorry…I’m so sorry I,” 

“Will you please just talk to me,” his voice was lower, probably due to agitation. 

You rolled over, if you were going to do this, you were going to do this right. 

“Sam, I love you,” you said, “I think I always have. And tonight… tonight was more than I ever thought I’d get. I’m sorry to put you in this… position, but if you don’t love me, and I   
know you don’t, then please don’t put your arm around me and stay in my bed because that’ll lead me to wanting things, things that you don’t want to give me and,” You were babbling, but faltered under the sternness of his expression. 

“You don’t think I…,” his eyes glazed over from…tears? That couldn’t be. His lips pursed. That was never a good thing. 

“Sam,” 

“No,” he held up a hand, “No…I,” he paused for a moment and a determined look came across his face, as he pulled you in his arms tighter, “No, I’m not gonna lose you over some kind of miscommunication. Babe, can’t you see how much I love you?” 

Your mouth dropped open and your face burned. This wasn’t happening, things like this didn’t happen to you. 

“What,” you let out meekly. 

He groaned and nestled you so your face was pressed to the crook of his neck. He kissed the top of your head and just held you for a moment.

“I love you,” he began, “I have for a while, years if I’m being honest. I mean at first your little crush on me was cute, and yes everyone could see it,” your borrowed deeper into his shoulder, about to die from embarrassment, “But even then I found myself looking at you and don’t think that didn’t make me feel like a dirty old man, and God that kiss when you were seventeen, for Christ’s sake.

He paused for a moment, his hand that wasn’t holding you to him was still running up and down your hip. 

“Then you grew up, and I saw a beautiful, smart, funny woman who I hoped would at least give me the time of day.”

He kissed you deeply then, taking your breath away. You were still in disbelief.

“Sam, please, don’t tell me things just because you think I want to hear them.” 

He was silent for a moment contemplating his next words. 

“Do you remember what I got you for your twentieth birthday?”

“Yeah the necklace and the book.”

“I was so nervous about giving you that gift that I had Dean wait in the car. Babe, he made fun of me for that for months. I’d hoped you liked the gift, but really I couldn’t wait to see if you’d kiss me again. That night you drunkenly laid one on me, was the night I got hooked on you. Seriously I felt like such a perv,” he laughed quietly and began to brush your cheekbone with his thumb. 

“You were only seventeen and I was twenty five. I couldn’t do anything then and by the time you were old enough I convinced myself that I didn’t deserve you. My point is that these has been a long time coming, but trust me when I say I love you. I know I took forever in getting the courage to do something about it, but I’m here and if you’ll have me, I want to stay with you.” 

You laid there in shock barely registering what he was saying. You blinked a couple times and kissed him softly. 

“I love you, you know that… I want you here always, you’re my home.”

He smiled and pulled the blankets over the two of you and held you. 

~

You woke up with an arm draped over you and light snores playing in your ear. You tried to shimmy out of Sam’s embrace, thinking you would go make breakfast. But just as you moved Sam’s arm became a vice and he nuzzled into the back of your neck. 

“Sam, I have to go make breakfast,” you said, squirming. 

He pulled you impossibly closer and with sleep in his voice he ground out, “Mine.”

You smiled, turned around and snuggled back into his arms. ‘Oh well,’ you thought, ‘breakfast can wait.’


End file.
